OMG! I can't believe I haven't even posted in almost two weeks! WTH?! Life kinda got busy =/ Summary of the past two weeks;

Sister moved out.
I'm moving on saturday officially and completely
It's really friggin hot!
Dance started up again, and I feel whole again <3
CHANDLER'S HOME! FOR GOOD! <3 SOO HAPPY!
Virginia in 3 weeks! <3
Waxed for the first time; not a pleasant experience
Spent forever getting sponsor letters out, but finally did. hopefully it pays off (literally) or I'm screwed.
I have entirely too much dance stuff
My room is soooo empty! (due to moving)
Phone died. got a new one. repeat 3 times. waiting for my blackberry to arrive in the mail =]
Saved over $400 for a car in the past 2 weeks
Sister disappointed me beyond belief today. NEVER trusting or relying on her for anything. it's "good" to finally see completely where her priorities lie, and how I dont fit into her life.
Severed some ties to certain people
In contrast, also restored a couple broken friendships.
Work is almost done

K, now you're more or less caught up with my life. Ta-da!
~Rocky

Well now, it's been a while since I've had an actual post, but even longer since i had a picture with it! I apologize for slacking off! But hey, the important this is that I'm blogging now =]

Let's start where I left off; on the 3rd my family had our 4th of july celebration since daddy worked then next day, and that was awesome =] Went to fireworks in Avon Lake. Saw some friends there! Maureen, Sarah M., Mike O., Monica (<3!). And then it came time to settle down and watch the fireworks. Who do I sit next to? You'll never guess! CHARLIE! @!&#*$#!!!! Of all the fireworks displays that night, we ended up at that one. of all the seats that night, we ended up next to each other. Of all the people to run into, it was him! I almost died. in a bad way. And then what does my dad do? He invited him over for the 4th the next day!!! All I wanted was to slap him and crush him and tell him how horrid I really think he is =/ BLAH!

On the 4th I spent most of the day layin' out catchin' some sun, trying to convince nick to come visit. Failed miserably. However, I did get to go to Bay Days with my friends Monica and Mike, and I had a great time! Saw Vanessa, had about 100 awkward run-ins with people from mine, mikes, monicas, and other people's pasts. It was a night of awkwardness. I still had tons of fun =] Met this fun guy, Ian. He seems pretty nice. Now he has a ukulele obsession that he developed that night when one of his friends left the uke they won from a carnie in the car. But hey, whatever floats his boat, eh? =]

Started work Tuesday. I was totally prepared for screaming kids, profane language, nobody's clothes to stay on, things to get thrown, biting, licking, just general all around bad behavior. To my delight and surprise every single one of my students is virtually perfect! I mean, sure, a few are a little withdrawn or have speech issues, but they all do exactly what they're told, and are a lot of fun to be around and are well behaved =] I'm having the best week of camp I've ever had.

I painted my nails pacman last night while Skyping with Sharon. Yup. It's pretty awesome.

MOVING ON, LIKE, MONDAY! AH! =D I'm soooo excited! I just really cannot wait to go to my new house <3 Yet as ready and eager as I am, I'm kinda sad about it. I've lived here for 8 years. This has been home for 8 years. So many firsts, birthdays, graduations, holidays, parties, sleepovers, movie nights, bonfires, so much sweat put into making this place a comfortable environment. It's so strange to think that in a week, I wont even be here. The other times I've moved I never felt like this, but I'm older and have better comprehension of what it really means now. I'll adjust I'm sure.

Dance starting on monday! AH! YAY! so friggin' excited!  and this I'm actually ONLY excited about! no apprehension, no mixed feelings, just pure joy and excitement =] It's been far too long (3 weeks!) since Ive had a class, and I start pointe on monday!!! For now I'm going to pack some boxes, and try to come up with plans for tonight. w00t. peace out!
Rocky

this is a place-holder blog until I can post a new once probably tomorrow. I've been wanting to post for a few days not but been REALLLY busy and sleepy so it just hasn't been happening =[ anddd why have I been busy and tired? -cartoon voice- stay tuned to find out! ;]
~Rocky

Sooo a few things have changed in my life since Wednesday. First off, I'm finally feeling stable again. I feel like I'm living my life, and it's not living me. Let's see how long it lasts this time! Second, I can't discuss details, but one particular situation that was causing mental problems for me has been worked out, to everyones satisfaction =] Wont be moving until the 20th, at the soonest. I'm so bummed! I've been soooo excited but it's just not happening yet =/  oh well! In good time I suppose.

I went to my friends birthday/birthday/grad/grad/grad party today. It was great to see Rina and Moira today! Played frisbee, volleyball, more frisbee, chilled on the beach, ate watermelon. Normal summer beach party stuff =] It was nice. However I'm now covered in sand and incredibly dirty ahah! But I enjoyed it, and made a new frienddddd xD Also, I LOVE Rinas grandmother! She reminds me so much of Grandma Pfeiffer! I miss her so much!

Well tomorrow after church i'm supposed to get coffee with Grace. I'm looking forward to it. We haven't really talked in a long time (since before she left for college, i think) so it'll be good to catch up for realzies. Afterwards; FRISBEE! Yay! thennn it's home for family night. dunno what we're doing. For now I'm REALLY tired. it's been a very long day. I really need to get back to taking pictures for this so-called photoblog. it's lacking in photos lately haha! oh well, life happens right?

Work starts on tuesday. I'm really looking forward to it! I like the teacher i'm working with, and i'm eager to learn about the kids! Wish me luck!
Rocky

Lyrics that sum me up tonight cause I dont actually feel like talking but should probably blog;

How do you leave the past behind when it keeps finding ways to get to your heart?

Love me dead

Should it hurt to love you? Should I feel like I do?

take me, baby, or leave me

And if it's a hero you want, I can save you. Just stay here.

Affection is yours if you ask but first you must take off your mask

I'll believe all your lies Just pretend you love me

Love means holding on to someone just as hard as you can because if you don't, one blink and they might disappear...forever.

YOU. DRIVE. ME. CRAZY!!! Seriously, nobody in the world frustrates me as much as you do. Nobody confuses me as much as you do. Nobody pisses me off and hurts me as much as you do. Nobody has my sincere attention and affection as much as you do. So what gives? We've had this 'fight' (argument, dispute, lecture, whatever you desire to call it) time and again, yet you just don't seem to understand. It's not that complicated! You make me feel like such an idiot! Like I'm the only person who cares in this friendship. I feel like everyone looks at us when we're together and just goes "oh, yeah, they're not really friends, she only thinks they are when it's clear _______ doesn't care". Thanks. Thanks so friggin' much. Why do you do this to me EVERY. SINGLE. DAY?!?!?!  When ____ was treating me this way, you said "just forget them, they're the worst friend ever. You can have much better friends". Yet you do the exact same. UGH!

How long till enough is enough for me? Are you really willing to push me so hard to the risk of losing me? When will you just listen and finally understand? You are killing me.
~Rocky

ugh i dont feel like blogging. I'm just skimming the surface, drowning in white. I need the blue to come back. I guess the best way to describe how I really feel is verbalized by basically anything Ellen Hopkins has ever said.

"I hate this feeling. Like I'm here, but I'm not. Like someone cares. But they don't. Like I belong somewhere else, anywhere but here."

"Wish you could turn off the questions, turn off the voices, turn off all sound.

Yearn to close out the ugliness, close out the filthiness, close out all light.

Long to cast away yesterday, cast away memory, cast away all jeopardy.

Pray you could somehow stop uncertainty, somehow stop the loathing, somehow stop the pain. 

"All I can do is lie here, brain turning somersaults. It's nights like these when memories stir, whipping themselves into stiff peaks of pain."

"It's just so hard to feel good, you know?" I do know. And more than that, it's just so incredibly hard to feel."

"Some days I think I'm losing my mind. What seems so clear most of the time becomes a big question mark."

I haven't really felt any of that in a long time. But I do now. I wouldn't say I'm at my darkest time that i've ever visited, but I feel like I'm sinking deeper into the white. Have you ever known that what you were feeling was wrong? have you ever known you should fight it with everything you've got? Have you ever just been content to stay where you know is wrong, simply cause the effort to climb out and back into color seemed so exhausting that you didn't think it was worth it? I hate the white, yet I need it all the same. The feeling of emptiness is both terrifying and exciting all at once.

It's easy to fake being fine when I'm with people or in public; I've been doing it since I was 12. But when I'm alone, just me, and there's nobody to lie to, that's when reality hits and pulls me below the surface. I dont know why I feel this way. I dont know why I get so low. I dont know why I dont ask for help. The voice inside is screaming "throw me a rope" but it's hushed by the fear of being judged or punished. It's not my fault I'm like this, I dont actually like it. Bit I've come to live with it, and in a sick way to appreciate it.

I wonder how other people live. If they are genuinely happy and content with life as they seem, or if everyone else is secretly drowning too. What if we're all hushing our inner voice? But then, what if it is just me? I wish I knew why I was different; why when my life is perfect and I couldn't be happier I just feel so hollow.
I dont know how long this phase will last this time, but I need it to be over. The headaches, the nausea, the exhaustion, the complete and utter lack of desire for anything. I just want it to stop.
~Rocky