I'M. SO. BORED.
and also feeling very apathetic and moderate/mildly severe depression. I hate this! I hate being alone, i hate not having anything to do but clean and do school and sleep, i hate everything right now =[

I just feel like life isn't real without the studio. nothings right. I mean, nothing's ever right, but the studio is my escape. I dont have an escape. Quite the opposite; i'm locked away with all my thoughts and emotions and absolutely no distraction or freedom from it. I feel like I did freshman year; angry, empty, invisible, used, worthless. I dont even know why!

Ok, well that's not completely true. I got in a huge fight with several people last night. There's just too much drama! Today I just feel so... I don't even know what I feel. Do I even feel? I just wanna leave right now and never look back. Haven't you ever felt that way? Like you just wanted to get away forever? All this time I thought I'd gotten better from my depression and self-pity, but it turns out i was just distracted from it with dance. Hey, as long as I have that distraction I guess I don't really need 'healed'. I guess I just found a way to cope that didn't involve pain. But right now I don't have that, and I just... I just want to dig a hole and hide away from the world. I feel like something's missing. I HATE my anxiety!

I can't function right now. I feel like I can't breathe. Maybe I'm being over-dramatic, but I just feel so alone. I've been starting to realize for a while now that I have no friends that I feel comfortable just telling anything and everything to. I feel like I have to hide thoughts and emotions just to save face and keep the world from thinking I'm crazy. I feel like I'm on the brink of insanity again! And I feel alone in it =[ I miss my bible study! I miss Becca and Lydia so much, and just having that time where we could come together and I felt safe with those girls. Like I could be real and honest. Dig a little deeper into how we really thought and felt about things.

I'm just not used to being alone. Never in my life have I been alone. It's not working for me and I hate it! Now I'll let you go and spare you of my "teenage angst"... I guess that's that for now ='/
~Rocky