Well now I've completely slacked off for 3 weeks or so I think. Oh well, I'm a busy person and it's not like I owe it to anyone who may possibly read this blog a post or something. I write for myself, you just are lucky enough to have access to my thoughts.

In the past month, nothing has changed yet everything is different. My role at the studio has gone from primarily a student with a couple classes to teach, to a teacher who's also taking dance classes. I have a key to the studio. I'm not to call them Miss and Mr. anymore except when students and parents are around; they're now just Jo, Dustin, and Brad. Brad is ordering official ADMA business cards for me. I'm a part of decision making around there =] I'm so excited with where my future is going!

In my last post I ranted and raved all the questions in my head about my life and the choices I have. I also came to a decision that I wouldn't let you know what it was. Well, here it is; I'm not going to college, and I'm staying with the studio forever. I've never felt this right or happy about anything in my life. I know it's the right choice for me =] I'll admit at first even after making my decision that I was a bit frightend, but I'm not anymore. I'm 100% sure about this.

Thanksgiving went well. Not much to say about it though. Sarah, Tony, Rob, Grandmom, and Robs mum came over. We watched movies and talked and had the typical thanksgiving dinner. The end.

I'm so eager to get back to classes this week! I enjoyed the break but at the same time I was just so sad not to have Jo yelling about legs needing to be higher and toes pointed and what not haha. We had Elite practice todady, and I think that went well but I'm a bit nervous about my solo and duet. The duet isn't even finished and we're performing in a week. YIKES! And I was rushing through my solo and forgetting parts and the floor was just so slippery I couldn't hold anything. It was a disastrous practice on my part. Hopefully it's better on saturday, since that's when we perform.

I was put in charge of the performance on Saturday, too. At least until Jo can get there. She has to teach a class and we have to be in Cleveland at the same time, so I'm to make sure everything goes well until she gets there and that everyone is doing what they're meant to. It's exciting =]

I had to teach a LOT of classes at the studio recently because Jo was sick. I had tons of fun with all the girls and leading the classes =] I'm really looking forward to having more classes in the future to lead =D

I just got new pointe shoes, 5 pairs of tights, 2 pairs of shorts, 3 pairs of leggings, a dance sweater and 4 new leotards. It was SO exciting! I just love getting new dance clothes =] Probably a good $350-$400, but SO worth it. The pointe shoes themselves were $100. I got Gaynor Mindens this time. They're way prettier, have a cleaner cut, and supposedly are longer lasting. But I really miss my Bloch Aspirations. I wish they hadn't died =[ Maybe they weren't as elegant looking, I didn't look as tall and my feet didn't look as long, slender, and graceful, but they were just so comfortable and fun. Why is it that as soon as pointe shoes are comfortable and broken in, it's time for new ones???

I suppose that's all for now. Perhaps I'll write some poetry and post that for your prying curious eyes. I feel my inspiration renewed, and my muse awakened. That's all for now
Rocky xoxo

Alright world, so it's been about a week and a half since I posted last. I'd like to inform you that something exciting has happend, that there's something really interesting to write about, but that is not the case. I'm just living my typical life still. I got my college application into Case Western Reserve University though =] Only 39 days left until I know what the future holds, and even then I wont have a clue what's in store for my life.

Speaking of not knowing what's in store for the future, I am so confused! There's about 5 different paths I could go down right now, all completely life altering and I have no idea which I'll be lead to take. Every single one is my choice, but at the same time not really. I'm learning that I believe in destiny; I just don't know what mine is yet. You cannot imagine how frustrated I am by this though! I just want to look into a crystal ball and see where I'm supposed to be in 5 years, or what the different lives I could have are based on decisions made today. Is going to college the right choice for me? Is it better to just skip further education altogether and stick with ADMA 100%? What is my role supposed to be for the studio and the people there? Should I skip college, stick with ADMA, and do something else simple like cosmetology or phlebotomy or something as a side job?

These are just a fraction of the questions keeping me up all night every night. I can't even get into some of them. I just have no idea what I'm supposed to do! I think I know where I'm supposed to go and what my future holds, but I'm nervous that it's the wrong choice. What I'm leaning towards has potential for TONS of drama and life-long changes. I've really had to question almost everything I know about me this past week. I know what I want to do, I know what I think I should do, but I can't decide if it's worth the risk. And what if I'm right, what if my decision is the answer and I walk away from it cause I decide there's too much controversy for me to deal with? Then what? Am I left to live a miserable life that isn't meant for me because I abandoned my true destiny???

Can you see why I haven't slept in a week? I'm so conflicted! And I have until tomorrow to figure it all out. I'm sorry I'm being vague, but I can't afford to be anything else.

Aside from that, things are going really well. I took the SAT for the 2nd time yesterday. Pretty sure I did worse considering I fell asleep during one of the sections. Oh well, that's life right? At least my 1st scores were really good (I was just hoping to make them better). Dance is going phenomenally! I'm really well on my way to being somebody in the dance world. If not a performer, I know I'll be a world-class teacher and/or choreographer. I just feel it in me.

WHOA! Decision that's been frustrating me for a week now made JUST NOW. the one I've been ranting about. In my last 2 sentences it all became clear to me where my life is going, what I want, and where I'm supposed to be. Such a weight suddenly lifted. But I now know that the next 5-10 years are not going to be easy. But I'm ready. Maybe I'll sleep better tonight. I hope.

So today at church I attended a seminar on stem cell research. Ya know, I wasn't aware that there were other kinds than just embryonic stem cell research being done? But there's adult stem cell research as well. And did you know that they can take the cells from a 60+ year old and regenerate them to be like that of a 15 year old?! In theory we can elongate a persons life!!! Although that isn't to say the quality of life would be as good as that of a younger person. There are so many moral implications to all of this as well. And embryonic research has never produced results, where as adult stem cell research has provided cures for things. MIND. BLOWN. I didn't know any of that! It has definitely left me with a lot to think about.

Alright, well I guess that's about it for now. I gotta go work on some stuff before Leone picks me up and we go to frisbee (first time in like 2 or 3 months for me). TTFN!

XoXo <333

Rocky

I got all of my splits down. Blog post validated and in no need of more information about my current life. YEAH BAY-BAY!!! =D That is all.
XOXO <333
Rocky

I wrote a post, but just deleted it cause it seemed really stupid. All it was was me going on and on about the class i teach and how I'm so busy and blah blah blah and a list of every injury i have and where i got it and blah blah blah. BORING. My life is WAY more exciting than stupid stuff like that! =D I mean, yeah, that is a HUGE part of my life, but certainly you dont wanna just hear about dance every time I post, right? how boring does that get?!

In the past week not much has happened except for we had a couple frogs living in a spider plant and we couldn't figure out what the heck was making that chirping sound, but eventually they jumped out and it all made sense =] The cat has been violently stalking me (and by violently I mean purring and cuddling) to the point where he will NOT let me sleep cause he just wants to cuddle. The chickens are just chickens. that's mainly that.

Haven't really done much as far as social occurrences, but I did go out on Sunday. After church Juan picked me up and we went out for lunch, then spent the rest of the day watching movies at his house. It was fun, and I can't wait to do it again =] Right now I'm trying to talk him into attending my friend, Molly's, 18th/halloween party with me on Saturday -crosses fingers-

I also have to work a halloween party at the studio on Friday, which i'm kinda excited about but at the same time not. And also I have to come up with a costume. bleh. Guess that's that for now. Pretty tired and the cat is scratching at my door to be let it.
XOXO <333
Rocky

Alright world, time for me to bust some myths about beauty pageants and those who are involved in them. Let's be honest, there are many stereotypes associated with beauty pageants, and I myself am guilty of believing them. Watch out, cause if you decide to do a pageant then everything you think you know will be turned up-side down!

Myth #1

"Pageant girls are all air heads who are only good for looking pretty" 

Some of the smartest people I know I met this past weekend! They're in college, they're straight A's, they're polite and classy and just all around smart people =] And they have so much ambition and so many goals in life! How can someone be ditsy and have such drive?!

Myth #2 

"They're so stuck up and self-absorbed!" Pageant girls are the farthest thing from stuck up. Actually, they're just as insecure if not more so than the rest of us about their appearance and speaking properly. The only difference is they've learned to love themselves through any flaws they have, and that we can't all be perfect. And they've learned to be confident in who they are. You want a reason to find flaws in yourself? Try being in a room of 50 other girls who in your eyes are completely flawless and drop-dead gorgeous. Then see how hot you feel. Truth is they feel about you how you feel about them. 


                                                     Myth #3 "they're the meanest girls you'll ever meet"            Lies. That's all I can say is LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES. These girls are the most caring, friendly, warm-hearted group of teenage girls you'll ever meet! Everyone wanted to help each other and was cheering for everyone else!  They're the most willing to curl each others hair and share make-up and give tips on how to pose and just everything wonderful about a girl. They are the farthest thing from mean!  

 myth #4 "They're completely fake!"

In a room full of fake boobs, fake eyelashes, fake nails, fake tans, and fake hair, are the realist girls out there. So maybe they (we?) use a few false products to enhance ourselves and be a tad bit closer to feeling perfect, but c'mon, who doesn't? We just happen to be stereotyped and judged for it.

Bottom line? I loved it, had an amazing time, made some true friends and just had FUN! Yeah, it's a bit stressful and tiring, but was it worth it? without a doubt! Would I do it again? In a heart-beat (I'm planning to). You go in there with all the prejudices and preconceived notions that have ever existed about pageants and their participants, but I guarantee by the end of LUNCH the first day you'll realize everything I have about them. I am not the same person I was just a week ago, and it's thanks to those amazing girls at the pageant <333

~Rocky

So, it's the day I go down to Portsmouth. OMG. this has snuck up on me SOOO quickly! I can't believe that in 48 hours my whole next year could be completely different! I'm so excited! And I just found out that Cory's girlfrind, Allison, is in Miss Ohio USA! So I'm sure I'll see her at some point. I was hoping that meant the Svettes would be there, but they wont =[ It'll be great though! Also, i would like to apologixze for poor spelling and typos -- I've got fake nails on and it's impossible to type with these darn things! ahah!

Yup, here I am! Miss Sheffield Village Teen USA =] So ready, so excited, so not caring about the outcome =] So today is spent packing, trying to make sure i dont lose my mind making sure i dont forget anything, teaching, getting a hair cut, and then shooting off for a 4-hour drive. yayyy! =] I'm very eager =]

And I love my girls at youth group <3 they all signed a card wishing me luck, and it means so much to me!!! I'm taking it and putting it at my mirror to keep me calm and remind me who's got my back and of everyone who supports me at home <333

Have you ever just felt that everyone is pushing you? Like not a single person thinks you're good enough just how you are? I think at some point everyone feels this way, but for everyone else it's just their own paranoia and insecurity. In my case, I actually have pretty much everyone in my life telling me I'm inadequate. That I'm not enough. That I need to be more, be different, be someone other than I am. I don't understand what's so wrong about me? What am I doing so horribly in my life that not one single person says "good job" or anything encouraging? Why is it always (and only) "you dont work hard enough" (when my knuckles are bleeding and dancing with splinters in my feet), and "you suck at ____" (specific thing but i'm not saying what). Why is it "you're not allowed to lead the bible study you're so excited about and i'm going to invade because you're not good enough".

In church, in dance, in work, in family, in friendships, in every single thing I do everyone tells me what's wrong with me and how i'm not good enough. I dont need someone else to believe in me, because I do and I'm enough for me, but it would be really nice just for one person to say I'm not "mediocre", and to tell me they know i can do it, and they see how hard i'm trying in everything.

When I already do everything I can, why does nobody think I'm worth it as I am? I am so sick of being told what i do wrong and what needs to change, and I just want to hear that I'm on the right path. I wish I weren't the only person who believed I could do things.

Anyways, aside from that my diet is going well. I dont think I'm capable of actually losing weight though. I've stuck at the 3 pounds for a while now. but i'm also working out again and so I'm gaining more muscle. Maybe I should just try and get to 115 and be ok with that... But the goal is to be skinny. today I definitely went wayyy over my calorie limit, but that's ok cause tomorrow's a new day to start fresh =]

I guess that's that for now...
Rocky


PS
 some quotes that assist in expressing how I feel;

"You will never be strong enough, You will never be good enough, You were never conceived in love, You will not rise above" They'll never see, I'll never be, I'll struggle on and on to feed this hunger, Burning deep inside of me

 But I know the difference between myself and my reflection. I just can't help but to wonder, which of us do you love?

 Feels like the weight of the world, like God in heaven gave me a turn... and oh, I know you don't believe in me."

I don't need to touch the sky. I just want to feel that high, and you refuse to lift me.

I can't change who I am. Not this time, I won't lie to keep you near me. And in this short life, there's no time to waste on giving up.

hello, remember me? I’m everything you can’t control... but every hour slipping by screams that I have failed you 

 

Speak your mind, like I care. I can see your lips moving I've just learned not to hear. Don't waste your time. It's never enough for you, don't want to play your game anymore. And now that I've tried everything I'll numb the pain, 'til I am made of stone