ugh i dont feel like blogging. I'm just skimming the surface, drowning in white. I need the blue to come back. I guess the best way to describe how I really feel is verbalized by basically anything Ellen Hopkins has ever said.

"I hate this feeling. Like I'm here, but I'm not. Like someone cares. But they don't. Like I belong somewhere else, anywhere but here."

"Wish you could turn off the questions, turn off the voices, turn off all sound.

Yearn to close out the ugliness, close out the filthiness, close out all light.

Long to cast away yesterday, cast away memory, cast away all jeopardy.

Pray you could somehow stop uncertainty, somehow stop the loathing, somehow stop the pain. 

"All I can do is lie here, brain turning somersaults. It's nights like these when memories stir, whipping themselves into stiff peaks of pain."

"It's just so hard to feel good, you know?" I do know. And more than that, it's just so incredibly hard to feel."

"Some days I think I'm losing my mind. What seems so clear most of the time becomes a big question mark."

I haven't really felt any of that in a long time. But I do now. I wouldn't say I'm at my darkest time that i've ever visited, but I feel like I'm sinking deeper into the white. Have you ever known that what you were feeling was wrong? have you ever known you should fight it with everything you've got? Have you ever just been content to stay where you know is wrong, simply cause the effort to climb out and back into color seemed so exhausting that you didn't think it was worth it? I hate the white, yet I need it all the same. The feeling of emptiness is both terrifying and exciting all at once.

It's easy to fake being fine when I'm with people or in public; I've been doing it since I was 12. But when I'm alone, just me, and there's nobody to lie to, that's when reality hits and pulls me below the surface. I dont know why I feel this way. I dont know why I get so low. I dont know why I dont ask for help. The voice inside is screaming "throw me a rope" but it's hushed by the fear of being judged or punished. It's not my fault I'm like this, I dont actually like it. Bit I've come to live with it, and in a sick way to appreciate it.

I wonder how other people live. If they are genuinely happy and content with life as they seem, or if everyone else is secretly drowning too. What if we're all hushing our inner voice? But then, what if it is just me? I wish I knew why I was different; why when my life is perfect and I couldn't be happier I just feel so hollow.
I dont know how long this phase will last this time, but I need it to be over. The headaches, the nausea, the exhaustion, the complete and utter lack of desire for anything. I just want it to stop.
~Rocky