Lyrics that sum me up tonight cause I dont actually feel like talking but should probably blog;

How do you leave the past behind when it keeps finding ways to get to your heart?

Love me dead

Should it hurt to love you? Should I feel like I do?

take me, baby, or leave me

And if it's a hero you want, I can save you. Just stay here.

Affection is yours if you ask but first you must take off your mask

I'll believe all your lies Just pretend you love me

Love means holding on to someone just as hard as you can because if you don't, one blink and they might disappear...forever.

YOU. DRIVE. ME. CRAZY!!! Seriously, nobody in the world frustrates me as much as you do. Nobody confuses me as much as you do. Nobody pisses me off and hurts me as much as you do. Nobody has my sincere attention and affection as much as you do. So what gives? We've had this 'fight' (argument, dispute, lecture, whatever you desire to call it) time and again, yet you just don't seem to understand. It's not that complicated! You make me feel like such an idiot! Like I'm the only person who cares in this friendship. I feel like everyone looks at us when we're together and just goes "oh, yeah, they're not really friends, she only thinks they are when it's clear _______ doesn't care". Thanks. Thanks so friggin' much. Why do you do this to me EVERY. SINGLE. DAY?!?!?!  When ____ was treating me this way, you said "just forget them, they're the worst friend ever. You can have much better friends". Yet you do the exact same. UGH!

How long till enough is enough for me? Are you really willing to push me so hard to the risk of losing me? When will you just listen and finally understand? You are killing me.
~Rocky

ugh i dont feel like blogging. I'm just skimming the surface, drowning in white. I need the blue to come back. I guess the best way to describe how I really feel is verbalized by basically anything Ellen Hopkins has ever said.

"I hate this feeling. Like I'm here, but I'm not. Like someone cares. But they don't. Like I belong somewhere else, anywhere but here."

"Wish you could turn off the questions, turn off the voices, turn off all sound.

Yearn to close out the ugliness, close out the filthiness, close out all light.

Long to cast away yesterday, cast away memory, cast away all jeopardy.

Pray you could somehow stop uncertainty, somehow stop the loathing, somehow stop the pain. 

"All I can do is lie here, brain turning somersaults. It's nights like these when memories stir, whipping themselves into stiff peaks of pain."

"It's just so hard to feel good, you know?" I do know. And more than that, it's just so incredibly hard to feel."

"Some days I think I'm losing my mind. What seems so clear most of the time becomes a big question mark."

I haven't really felt any of that in a long time. But I do now. I wouldn't say I'm at my darkest time that i've ever visited, but I feel like I'm sinking deeper into the white. Have you ever known that what you were feeling was wrong? have you ever known you should fight it with everything you've got? Have you ever just been content to stay where you know is wrong, simply cause the effort to climb out and back into color seemed so exhausting that you didn't think it was worth it? I hate the white, yet I need it all the same. The feeling of emptiness is both terrifying and exciting all at once.

It's easy to fake being fine when I'm with people or in public; I've been doing it since I was 12. But when I'm alone, just me, and there's nobody to lie to, that's when reality hits and pulls me below the surface. I dont know why I feel this way. I dont know why I get so low. I dont know why I dont ask for help. The voice inside is screaming "throw me a rope" but it's hushed by the fear of being judged or punished. It's not my fault I'm like this, I dont actually like it. Bit I've come to live with it, and in a sick way to appreciate it.

I wonder how other people live. If they are genuinely happy and content with life as they seem, or if everyone else is secretly drowning too. What if we're all hushing our inner voice? But then, what if it is just me? I wish I knew why I was different; why when my life is perfect and I couldn't be happier I just feel so hollow.
I dont know how long this phase will last this time, but I need it to be over. The headaches, the nausea, the exhaustion, the complete and utter lack of desire for anything. I just want it to stop.
~Rocky

I'M. SO. BORED.
and also feeling very apathetic and moderate/mildly severe depression. I hate this! I hate being alone, i hate not having anything to do but clean and do school and sleep, i hate everything right now =[

I just feel like life isn't real without the studio. nothings right. I mean, nothing's ever right, but the studio is my escape. I dont have an escape. Quite the opposite; i'm locked away with all my thoughts and emotions and absolutely no distraction or freedom from it. I feel like I did freshman year; angry, empty, invisible, used, worthless. I dont even know why!

Ok, well that's not completely true. I got in a huge fight with several people last night. There's just too much drama! Today I just feel so... I don't even know what I feel. Do I even feel? I just wanna leave right now and never look back. Haven't you ever felt that way? Like you just wanted to get away forever? All this time I thought I'd gotten better from my depression and self-pity, but it turns out i was just distracted from it with dance. Hey, as long as I have that distraction I guess I don't really need 'healed'. I guess I just found a way to cope that didn't involve pain. But right now I don't have that, and I just... I just want to dig a hole and hide away from the world. I feel like something's missing. I HATE my anxiety!

I can't function right now. I feel like I can't breathe. Maybe I'm being over-dramatic, but I just feel so alone. I've been starting to realize for a while now that I have no friends that I feel comfortable just telling anything and everything to. I feel like I have to hide thoughts and emotions just to save face and keep the world from thinking I'm crazy. I feel like I'm on the brink of insanity again! And I feel alone in it =[ I miss my bible study! I miss Becca and Lydia so much, and just having that time where we could come together and I felt safe with those girls. Like I could be real and honest. Dig a little deeper into how we really thought and felt about things.

I'm just not used to being alone. Never in my life have I been alone. It's not working for me and I hate it! Now I'll let you go and spare you of my "teenage angst"... I guess that's that for now ='/
~Rocky

Yesterday was Father's Day, so I skipped church and intended on making daddy breakfast and gardening with him. Nobody woke me up and I didn't have an alarm set, so I slept until 12. Whoops... But I did get to spend time with him outside playing with the chickens <3 I think he had a good day!

After spending some time with mi padre, I went to a musical with Molly, Will, and Jon. I had such a blast! The musical, "Next to Normal", was phenomenal and it was just nice to spend time with friends doing something other than watching movies at home or going to Crocker Park... When we got there we were bombarded by ushers trying to take pictures sponsored by KeyBank, and so we gave in. However they failed to give us time to organize ourselves, so we ended up with a picture where Molly looks like she doesn't want to be there, Will kinda just looks like he's thinking "chill like a turtle, chill like a turtle, chill like a turtle", I look like a normal happy person, and Jon managed to photobomb our own pic! I LOVE IT! I think it's hilarious, especially since it's got a "Next to Normal" banner underneath.

After the musical we sat in molly's car eating cold Chuck E. Cheese pizza while we waited for traffic to slow down so we could get out. It was delicious. Then we went back to her place, played a few games a pool, and then took the boys home. I spent the night at her place, so we played a few games of Just Dance 2 and Mario Carts. All in all it was a great night =]

Got up at 630 or something like that and molly took me home. It was so foggy I was sure the zombie apocalypse was about to occur, but it didn't. So I went back to bed at home. At some point my I thought someone was breaking into the house, so I did the logical thing and armed myself for a fight to the death with a nail file, ventured downstairs quietly, peeked around corners, and discovered it was just my sister... I gotta admit, I was somewhat disappointed. But hey, at least I've still got a usable nail file! =D

I'm off to cardio and then having a private (I think?) Kung-Fu lesson with Brad and I might get some open studio time in, soooo, ttyl! <3
~Rocky

P.S.
Pageant stuff is going well =] Got my papers all filled out, gonna send them in next week and go for sponsor visits soon.

Sooooo here's some news; I'm an official contestant in the Miss Ohio Teen Pageant this year. AHH! The above pictures was my application picture. Just was browsin' the interwebs one day and was like "hey, lookie at that" and decided oh a whim "alright, let's submit an application and see what happens" just kinda cause i felt like it, and BAM! I'm in. Sooo now I get to write sponsor letters, dye my hair back to normal (I'm sad about that =[ I JUST got it green again!), fill out tons of paper work, and get my wardrobe.

I'm not too concerned about my wardrobe right now since it's not even until October, I just wanna get the registration and funds raised for this thing first cause i have plenty of time for shopping =D All I know is it'll be fun, and I'm making sure Monica is with me when we shop!

Speaking of Monica; I LOVE HER! Met her on wednesday (finally!) and it was really great =] We opened the door and started SCREAMING at the same pitch for the exact same amount of time xD We're always on the same page and say the same thing at the same time. If ever I was meant to have a best friend, it's her. Mike has done well, I'm quite proud of him =]

I had a private lesson today for ballet =D I LOVE when that happens! I feel like it's so much more productive cause certain people -cough- aren't talking the whole friggin' class wasting my time. And Jo said three nice things;

1) "I wouldn't mind being stuck in a room with you for a few hours... I like you"

2) "Well yay, you get a private lesson. I like giving private lessons to good students like you"

3) "next year, you're going to be amazing! You're just gonna be really great because you're working hard and progressing quickly."

I was sooo happy to hear those! I know she likes me and that is really important to me since she's my teacher and I see her 6 days a week and spend hours on end with her. I think someday we're going to get along REALLY well, and have a GREAT understanding of each other. =]

That's that for now, I suppose...
~Rocky

“Some are destined to succeed, some are determined to succeed.”

“Permanence, perseverance and persistence in spite of all obstacles, discouragement, and impossibilities: It is this, that in all things distinguishes the strong soul from the weak”   

"Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough."   

“The difference between the impossible and the possible lies in a man's determination.”

"Oh, mister, wait until you see what I'm gonna be"

"taking no chances means wasting your dreams."

“Dreams and dedication are a powerful combination.”

“In order to excel, you must be completely dedicated to your chosen sport. You must also be prepared to work hard and be willing to accept destructive criticism. Without 100% dedication, you won't be able to do this.”

“Success for an athlete follows many years of hard work and dedication."

"I need to be dazzling, I want to be Rainbow High"

“The most essential factor is persistence - the determination never to allow your energy or enthusiasm to be dampened by the discouragement that must inevitably come.”

“God is with those who persevere”

"Let me tell you the secret that has led me to my goal. My strength lies solely in my tenacity."

“I know the price of success: dedication, hard work, and an unremitting devotion to the things you want to see happen”

"An excuse is simply an obstacle you choose not to overcome."

 

"Champions are made from something they have deep inside them a desire, a dream, a vision. They have to have the skill and the will. But the will must be stronger than the skill."

What do you do when you feel you're trying you hardest to do your best, and your teachers only response is "Do better. I dont see any effort. It's like you're not even trying"? You try harder. It's a lesson i'm learning is that there's always a little more. More extension, more lift, more balance, more presence, more determination, more energy, more more more. For a long time I thought I was working hard, that I was really trying, but I'm learning that for the past 8 or 9 months I've barely been trying at all with dance. Just because I was sweating and getting tired I thought I was giving it everything I had. What I didn't realize was that I was just going through the motions. I was doing the steps, but I wasn't dancing them!

That's all changing starting now. I can be the best, but to do it I have to work harder than everyone else. If you want to get better at something, you practice it. If you want to get batter at it than someone else, you practice better and harder than they do. If you want to get stronger, you do things that make you stronger. When I've been dancing for an hour, and stretching for half an hour, and it feels like I just cant go on, I have to remind myself that I want this more than anything. You tell your body what it can take, and that there's more to do, dont let it tell your your limit. Mind over body. The best isn't enough, because there's always more to give.

Taking the easy route makes you lazy. I wont be lazy. Dance is hard. It's hard to feel good about it, it's hard to look good about it. But that's what makes dancers athletes; they put the time and energy into training to be able to do what the average person can't. That is why it's so spectacular! that's why it's so full of awe! that's what keeps the audience captivated! Easy makes you lazy. Doing something hard, that's what makes you amazing.

You get out of something what you put into it. I want to be the best, as I've said, and I'm going to go at this with everything I've got. I'm giving this 200%, because I want to be better than everyone who's giving 100%. I will work twice as hard. I have twice the determination. I want this more than anyone, and I will do anything I have to to get it.  Practice makes perfect. So I'm going to practice. I'm done being lazy about dance! I'm done pretending to try and faking effort. I'm doing this thing full-out, because I love it. I will earn the right to call myself a dancer.
~Rocky

May I just say that it's very hard to feel professional, mature, and like anybody takes you seriously no matter how you dress when you're in court and have green hair? Note to self; if you plan on having colored hair, do NOT become a lawyer. Just saying, I felt like a goof. Dont get my wrong, I LOVE my hair, and I LOVE color, but there are just some times (on rare occasion) where I wish I hadn't done it. Oh well, I suppose that happens to everyone at some point or other.

Yesterday was a pretty great day =] I had a lovely morning with mi padre, and then he and I biked to and from the studio; a round-trip of 15 miles. The weather was perfect for it! Ya know, we used to not get along at all, but he's pretty much the best ever. And you're probably thinking this is being prompted by the fact that father's day is on Sunday, but it's not. I just love my dad. I mean, yeah, we step on each others toes alot, but I have a lot better understanding of him and what bugs him now, that I can be more aware of what's gonna make him tick and avoid it. You know, all those little annoying habits that everyone has? We've finally learned how to get past them and have a great relationship. That only took 17 years. But I love my daddy <3

As for now, I'm off to dance. Maybe I'll write later, maybe I wont, who knows?
Peace out ;]
~Rocky

Well, it's been a LONG productive fun day =] Worked out, cleaned the studio (a little), did chair crew, cleaned the house, and after that I spent the rest of the day at Dave's grad party. Mostly I tossed a frisbee around with Matt, Rob, Jon, Joe, Mike, Mike, Will, and a couple kids. An attempt at volley ball was made, but I failed miserably. No, i mean really, more than I usually do! ahha =]

Now I'm home. Sitting. Tired. Quite possibly going to bed soon. Basically I'm just really hoping we get to move soon though, cause some punks pulled down our lights outside because they thought it'd be funny. Morons. What kind of ignorant jerk do you have to be to just go up on a strangers porch and pull their lights down? I just wanna get out of here!

On a lighter note, I've been talking to Mikes girlfriend, Monica, alot, and I love her! I can't wait to meet this girl! She's such a doll! I'm quite proud of my adopted/unrelated brother, cause she's a keeper =]

Ok, I think I'm done for the night. I'm really tired and it's been a long day, plus I've got another long day tomorrow. w00t. I dont think I'll be home from about 10 til sometime at night. w00t. I already said that, didn't I? ok, well, that's that! =] Night!
~Rocky

Soooo it's early in the morning (not really so early, but it feels like it), and I have to go babysit, and all I want to do is sleep. I probably shouldn't have stayed up till almost 2am skyping last night, but it was much needed to try and heal a relationship. Sooo yeah, this is me, 8:45am on a Thursday, no makeup, fresh outta the shower, hair not even brushed.

Since I'm leaving soon and clearly am not ready I probably shouldn't be blogging right now, but I've been told that I'm "slacking off" and certainly dont want to disappoint =P Life just kinda didn't get any simpler like I hoped/expected after the recital, and I think it may have gotten even busier actually.

Last night I went to some "rave" at this kid I dont know's house. It was reallllly lame at first and I just wanted to leave, but around like 9ish or something it got better. I mean, sure, it was a bunch of teenagers grinding like animals in some dudes small, crowded basement with strobe lights, black lights, and a DJ, and that was really gross and annoying and all, but it got fun later when some people I actually knew showed up haha =] I guess even boring situations you dont want to be in with a bunch of strangers can turn out fun in ways you didn't expect.

I got two new leotards! yay! what kind of lame person am I to be so excited about this? A dancer! Nobody else (ok, maybe gymnasts) would understand the excitement that comes with getting a new leo or dance shorts or other accessory. But it's so fun!

Tonight I get to teach breakdancing for two hours. yay? no. I dont really want to, i kinda prefer taking the class, and I just want to SLEEP after I babysit. But nope, I have to go teach little girls how to do ballet/tap/tumbling, and then teach two breakdancing classes with Molly. It should be fine, I'm just not feeling up to it so much today haha.

The weekend looks promising though! Going to a Chris Allen concert on friday with Lizzie, Mike, and God knows who else, then going to the drive in with Kate, Eric, Jon, and possibly Maureen. It should be really fun =] Saturday I've got a grad party I'm looking forward to (friends and food, what could get better than that? =] ) and Sunday is just a regular day with church, frisbee, hanging out with Jon most likely, then family night. w00t. however, sleep is still not on the radar...

Alright, I'm off; I've got about 10 minutes to make myself presentable for the day. peace out.
~Rocky

YAY! I got my new charger todayyy! It's been a bummer not having blogging as an option these past several days. Well, not much has happened. Kate and Eric are dating, I've taught a few classes all by my onesie and rocked it, got back to frisbee, spent all weekend with Jon, went to a grad party (congrats, class of '11!) got my job secured for the summer and the other one this fall, got my schedule for dance this summer, and I think that's about it. Oh, and I also attained about 25 mosquito bites. Yay. (I'm somewhat unenthusiastic about that last bit).

All in all life is going pretty great =] we had the house inspection today, and it didn't quite pass but we're praying and hoping things still work out. I'm so ready to move!

I really need to take a picture... oh, yeah, btw, my hair is green now... just in case y'all didn't know ;] andddd blogger isn't letting me add photos right now. lovely. alright well at a later date I'll add a picture or something, but this is irritating me.

I feel boring right now. Like this post is boring. oh well, maybe it's just one of those days...
~Rocky

P.S.
this probably should go without saying, but dont go to a rib burn off if you're a vegetarian. Not much to eat, and the scent is toxic. Yeahhh I didn't think that one through too well =P But hey, had a good time with my friends ahha!

Uhmmm yeah, real quick post just to let you know I'm going on hiatus until Tuesday (hopefully sooner) because my computer will be out of commission until then =[ It's bumming me out since I didn't even get to post yesterday and I've not been keeping up with pictures or anything, and now when I can finally try and get back to pictures and consistant updates it's like BAM! NOPE! Not gonna happen =[ so that's that. Sorry! <3
Also, I'm at over 200 page hits! w00t! Thanks all! <3
~Rocky