Have you ever just felt that everyone is pushing you? Like not a single person thinks you're good enough just how you are? I think at some point everyone feels this way, but for everyone else it's just their own paranoia and insecurity. In my case, I actually have pretty much everyone in my life telling me I'm inadequate. That I'm not enough. That I need to be more, be different, be someone other than I am. I don't understand what's so wrong about me? What am I doing so horribly in my life that not one single person says "good job" or anything encouraging? Why is it always (and only) "you dont work hard enough" (when my knuckles are bleeding and dancing with splinters in my feet), and "you suck at ____" (specific thing but i'm not saying what). Why is it "you're not allowed to lead the bible study you're so excited about and i'm going to invade because you're not good enough".

In church, in dance, in work, in family, in friendships, in every single thing I do everyone tells me what's wrong with me and how i'm not good enough. I dont need someone else to believe in me, because I do and I'm enough for me, but it would be really nice just for one person to say I'm not "mediocre", and to tell me they know i can do it, and they see how hard i'm trying in everything.

When I already do everything I can, why does nobody think I'm worth it as I am? I am so sick of being told what i do wrong and what needs to change, and I just want to hear that I'm on the right path. I wish I weren't the only person who believed I could do things.

Anyways, aside from that my diet is going well. I dont think I'm capable of actually losing weight though. I've stuck at the 3 pounds for a while now. but i'm also working out again and so I'm gaining more muscle. Maybe I should just try and get to 115 and be ok with that... But the goal is to be skinny. today I definitely went wayyy over my calorie limit, but that's ok cause tomorrow's a new day to start fresh =]

I guess that's that for now...
Rocky


PS
 some quotes that assist in expressing how I feel;

"You will never be strong enough, You will never be good enough, You were never conceived in love, You will not rise above" They'll never see, I'll never be, I'll struggle on and on to feed this hunger, Burning deep inside of me

 But I know the difference between myself and my reflection. I just can't help but to wonder, which of us do you love?

 Feels like the weight of the world, like God in heaven gave me a turn... and oh, I know you don't believe in me."

I don't need to touch the sky. I just want to feel that high, and you refuse to lift me.

I can't change who I am. Not this time, I won't lie to keep you near me. And in this short life, there's no time to waste on giving up.

hello, remember me? I’m everything you can’t control... but every hour slipping by screams that I have failed you 

 

Speak your mind, like I care. I can see your lips moving I've just learned not to hear. Don't waste your time. It's never enough for you, don't want to play your game anymore. And now that I've tried everything I'll numb the pain, 'til I am made of stone

“Some are destined to succeed, some are determined to succeed.”

“Permanence, perseverance and persistence in spite of all obstacles, discouragement, and impossibilities: It is this, that in all things distinguishes the strong soul from the weak”   

"Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough."   

“The difference between the impossible and the possible lies in a man's determination.”

"Oh, mister, wait until you see what I'm gonna be"

"taking no chances means wasting your dreams."

“Dreams and dedication are a powerful combination.”

“In order to excel, you must be completely dedicated to your chosen sport. You must also be prepared to work hard and be willing to accept destructive criticism. Without 100% dedication, you won't be able to do this.”

“Success for an athlete follows many years of hard work and dedication."

"I need to be dazzling, I want to be Rainbow High"

“The most essential factor is persistence - the determination never to allow your energy or enthusiasm to be dampened by the discouragement that must inevitably come.”

“God is with those who persevere”

"Let me tell you the secret that has led me to my goal. My strength lies solely in my tenacity."

“I know the price of success: dedication, hard work, and an unremitting devotion to the things you want to see happen”

"An excuse is simply an obstacle you choose not to overcome."

 

"Champions are made from something they have deep inside them a desire, a dream, a vision. They have to have the skill and the will. But the will must be stronger than the skill."

What do you do when you feel you're trying you hardest to do your best, and your teachers only response is "Do better. I dont see any effort. It's like you're not even trying"? You try harder. It's a lesson i'm learning is that there's always a little more. More extension, more lift, more balance, more presence, more determination, more energy, more more more. For a long time I thought I was working hard, that I was really trying, but I'm learning that for the past 8 or 9 months I've barely been trying at all with dance. Just because I was sweating and getting tired I thought I was giving it everything I had. What I didn't realize was that I was just going through the motions. I was doing the steps, but I wasn't dancing them!

That's all changing starting now. I can be the best, but to do it I have to work harder than everyone else. If you want to get better at something, you practice it. If you want to get batter at it than someone else, you practice better and harder than they do. If you want to get stronger, you do things that make you stronger. When I've been dancing for an hour, and stretching for half an hour, and it feels like I just cant go on, I have to remind myself that I want this more than anything. You tell your body what it can take, and that there's more to do, dont let it tell your your limit. Mind over body. The best isn't enough, because there's always more to give.

Taking the easy route makes you lazy. I wont be lazy. Dance is hard. It's hard to feel good about it, it's hard to look good about it. But that's what makes dancers athletes; they put the time and energy into training to be able to do what the average person can't. That is why it's so spectacular! that's why it's so full of awe! that's what keeps the audience captivated! Easy makes you lazy. Doing something hard, that's what makes you amazing.

You get out of something what you put into it. I want to be the best, as I've said, and I'm going to go at this with everything I've got. I'm giving this 200%, because I want to be better than everyone who's giving 100%. I will work twice as hard. I have twice the determination. I want this more than anyone, and I will do anything I have to to get it.  Practice makes perfect. So I'm going to practice. I'm done being lazy about dance! I'm done pretending to try and faking effort. I'm doing this thing full-out, because I love it. I will earn the right to call myself a dancer.
~Rocky