Have you ever just felt that everyone is pushing you? Like not a single person thinks you're good enough just how you are? I think at some point everyone feels this way, but for everyone else it's just their own paranoia and insecurity. In my case, I actually have pretty much everyone in my life telling me I'm inadequate. That I'm not enough. That I need to be more, be different, be someone other than I am. I don't understand what's so wrong about me? What am I doing so horribly in my life that not one single person says "good job" or anything encouraging? Why is it always (and only) "you dont work hard enough" (when my knuckles are bleeding and dancing with splinters in my feet), and "you suck at ____" (specific thing but i'm not saying what). Why is it "you're not allowed to lead the bible study you're so excited about and i'm going to invade because you're not good enough".

In church, in dance, in work, in family, in friendships, in every single thing I do everyone tells me what's wrong with me and how i'm not good enough. I dont need someone else to believe in me, because I do and I'm enough for me, but it would be really nice just for one person to say I'm not "mediocre", and to tell me they know i can do it, and they see how hard i'm trying in everything.

When I already do everything I can, why does nobody think I'm worth it as I am? I am so sick of being told what i do wrong and what needs to change, and I just want to hear that I'm on the right path. I wish I weren't the only person who believed I could do things.

Anyways, aside from that my diet is going well. I dont think I'm capable of actually losing weight though. I've stuck at the 3 pounds for a while now. but i'm also working out again and so I'm gaining more muscle. Maybe I should just try and get to 115 and be ok with that... But the goal is to be skinny. today I definitely went wayyy over my calorie limit, but that's ok cause tomorrow's a new day to start fresh =]

I guess that's that for now...
Rocky


PS
 some quotes that assist in expressing how I feel;

"You will never be strong enough, You will never be good enough, You were never conceived in love, You will not rise above" They'll never see, I'll never be, I'll struggle on and on to feed this hunger, Burning deep inside of me

 But I know the difference between myself and my reflection. I just can't help but to wonder, which of us do you love?

 Feels like the weight of the world, like God in heaven gave me a turn... and oh, I know you don't believe in me."

I don't need to touch the sky. I just want to feel that high, and you refuse to lift me.

I can't change who I am. Not this time, I won't lie to keep you near me. And in this short life, there's no time to waste on giving up.

hello, remember me? I’m everything you can’t control... but every hour slipping by screams that I have failed you 

 

Speak your mind, like I care. I can see your lips moving I've just learned not to hear. Don't waste your time. It's never enough for you, don't want to play your game anymore. And now that I've tried everything I'll numb the pain, 'til I am made of stone

Yeah, I'm posting twice in one day, but I felt it needed to be done. I'm gonna be daring today. Tonight I was talking with a friend who is VERY important to me, and he was saying how he didn't feel good enough, and insecure. I started naming some of my insecurities and things I'm self-conscious about in an attempt to show him he's not the only one, and in under 2 minutes I'd listed over 20 things. So now I'm going to be bold, and I'm going to trust you (whoever you are) with my top 6 insecurities. I'm just like everyone else, I'm flawed, I'm imperfect, I'm insecure, I'm self-conscious, I'm a normal teenage girl. So here we go;

  1) I hate my legs. I think they're awful. This never bugged me until I started dancing again and my teacher always says how bent and deformed they are, and now I feel like everyone's going to look at my legs and think "what a freak".
  2) I am very embarrassed by how long my toes are and wide my feet are, mostly cause my mom exclaims at least three times a year "Oh my gosh, Rocky! Your toes are so long! look at those nasty things! hahahaha!"
   3) I think I annoy everyone. I think i'm too loud and like everyone thinks i'm fake because of my enthusiasm and level of energy and hyperness.
  4) I hate my fingernails because I can't keep them long, especially my left middle finger because the nail doesn't grow right cause i slammed it in a door when I was little.
  5)  I think my ears are too big because my dad always teased me that they are when I was little, so now I feel like they are even though I know they're really fine... I think?
  6) I have HORRIBLE handwriting which I find myself always apologizing to people for when I write anything and they see

Have at it, world! I'm not brave all the time, I dont think I'm perfect, and I see my flaws at least as much as everyone else does, probably more. But I'm telling you now, I'm not afraid of them. Those imperfections are part of what give me the drive and determination I have in life. I'm not controlled by my natural instincts; to hide in a shell until that one day when I magically pop out and am suddenly confident. No, that time will never come. There will always be something you wish you could change, or that you wish were different, and I'm not going to let that have any effect on my life. I'm letting you know I'm not scared of what the world thinks of me, and when I need that extra boost I just remember that everyone else is also feeling similarly about some characteristic of theirs.

This is why I'm not shy. I have no fear. My value is not in how I'm viewed or 'how I feel'. My value is in God, my 'flaws' make me who I am, and from here on out I'm not only going to live with them, I'm going to embrace them.

Quotes related to this topic;

How much will you indulge in your flaws? What are your flaws? Are they flaws?
    ~ "Girl, interrupted" 
Take my darkest fears and play them Like a lullaby
    ~ Evanescence, "All that I'm living for"
'Cause there's a stronger woman in me
    ~Jewel, "Stronger Woman" (didn't see that title coming, did you? =P )
Trying to be everything can make you lose your mind
    ~ Lady Antebellum "American Honey"
taking no chances means wasting your dreams.
    ~Ellen Hopkins, "Crank"
Am I really the way I percieve myself, or is the person others see the truth of me?
    ~Ellen Hopkins, "Tricks"
Have you ever seen me defeated? Don't you forget what I've been through and yet I'm still standing
    ~"Evita" 


~Rocky

P.S.
Even as I'm writing this, I bit my nails. Yeah, another insecurity that feeds into #4. Also, I highly recommend the song "Mirror" by Barlow Girl.