Have you ever just felt that everyone is pushing you? Like not a single person thinks you're good enough just how you are? I think at some point everyone feels this way, but for everyone else it's just their own paranoia and insecurity. In my case, I actually have pretty much everyone in my life telling me I'm inadequate. That I'm not enough. That I need to be more, be different, be someone other than I am. I don't understand what's so wrong about me? What am I doing so horribly in my life that not one single person says "good job" or anything encouraging? Why is it always (and only) "you dont work hard enough" (when my knuckles are bleeding and dancing with splinters in my feet), and "you suck at ____" (specific thing but i'm not saying what). Why is it "you're not allowed to lead the bible study you're so excited about and i'm going to invade because you're not good enough".

In church, in dance, in work, in family, in friendships, in every single thing I do everyone tells me what's wrong with me and how i'm not good enough. I dont need someone else to believe in me, because I do and I'm enough for me, but it would be really nice just for one person to say I'm not "mediocre", and to tell me they know i can do it, and they see how hard i'm trying in everything.

When I already do everything I can, why does nobody think I'm worth it as I am? I am so sick of being told what i do wrong and what needs to change, and I just want to hear that I'm on the right path. I wish I weren't the only person who believed I could do things.

Anyways, aside from that my diet is going well. I dont think I'm capable of actually losing weight though. I've stuck at the 3 pounds for a while now. but i'm also working out again and so I'm gaining more muscle. Maybe I should just try and get to 115 and be ok with that... But the goal is to be skinny. today I definitely went wayyy over my calorie limit, but that's ok cause tomorrow's a new day to start fresh =]

I guess that's that for now...
Rocky


PS
 some quotes that assist in expressing how I feel;

"You will never be strong enough, You will never be good enough, You were never conceived in love, You will not rise above" They'll never see, I'll never be, I'll struggle on and on to feed this hunger, Burning deep inside of me

 But I know the difference between myself and my reflection. I just can't help but to wonder, which of us do you love?

 Feels like the weight of the world, like God in heaven gave me a turn... and oh, I know you don't believe in me."

I don't need to touch the sky. I just want to feel that high, and you refuse to lift me.

I can't change who I am. Not this time, I won't lie to keep you near me. And in this short life, there's no time to waste on giving up.

hello, remember me? I’m everything you can’t control... but every hour slipping by screams that I have failed you 

 

Speak your mind, like I care. I can see your lips moving I've just learned not to hear. Don't waste your time. It's never enough for you, don't want to play your game anymore. And now that I've tried everything I'll numb the pain, 'til I am made of stone