Have you ever just felt that everyone is pushing you? Like not a single person thinks you're good enough just how you are? I think at some point everyone feels this way, but for everyone else it's just their own paranoia and insecurity. In my case, I actually have pretty much everyone in my life telling me I'm inadequate. That I'm not enough. That I need to be more, be different, be someone other than I am. I don't understand what's so wrong about me? What am I doing so horribly in my life that not one single person says "good job" or anything encouraging? Why is it always (and only) "you dont work hard enough" (when my knuckles are bleeding and dancing with splinters in my feet), and "you suck at ____" (specific thing but i'm not saying what). Why is it "you're not allowed to lead the bible study you're so excited about and i'm going to invade because you're not good enough".

In church, in dance, in work, in family, in friendships, in every single thing I do everyone tells me what's wrong with me and how i'm not good enough. I dont need someone else to believe in me, because I do and I'm enough for me, but it would be really nice just for one person to say I'm not "mediocre", and to tell me they know i can do it, and they see how hard i'm trying in everything.

When I already do everything I can, why does nobody think I'm worth it as I am? I am so sick of being told what i do wrong and what needs to change, and I just want to hear that I'm on the right path. I wish I weren't the only person who believed I could do things.

Anyways, aside from that my diet is going well. I dont think I'm capable of actually losing weight though. I've stuck at the 3 pounds for a while now. but i'm also working out again and so I'm gaining more muscle. Maybe I should just try and get to 115 and be ok with that... But the goal is to be skinny. today I definitely went wayyy over my calorie limit, but that's ok cause tomorrow's a new day to start fresh =]

I guess that's that for now...
Rocky


PS
 some quotes that assist in expressing how I feel;

"You will never be strong enough, You will never be good enough, You were never conceived in love, You will not rise above" They'll never see, I'll never be, I'll struggle on and on to feed this hunger, Burning deep inside of me

 But I know the difference between myself and my reflection. I just can't help but to wonder, which of us do you love?

 Feels like the weight of the world, like God in heaven gave me a turn... and oh, I know you don't believe in me."

I don't need to touch the sky. I just want to feel that high, and you refuse to lift me.

I can't change who I am. Not this time, I won't lie to keep you near me. And in this short life, there's no time to waste on giving up.

hello, remember me? I’m everything you can’t control... but every hour slipping by screams that I have failed you 

 

Speak your mind, like I care. I can see your lips moving I've just learned not to hear. Don't waste your time. It's never enough for you, don't want to play your game anymore. And now that I've tried everything I'll numb the pain, 'til I am made of stone

Well, teaching went splendidly yesterday! However the stress still hasn't subsided as today is my first time teaching hip-hop. I know I'll do fine, but it's still that little nerve saying "what if you mess up?" nagging in the back of your mind kinda thing. I'm still excited though =]

I'm SO sore from yesterday! I taught jazz then took tumbling, cardio, and breakdancing. After all I did yesterday, my muscles are just like "uhm... 'scuse me?". I pity my body for being trapped with a dancers soul! I have to teach (as I said) today, and I'm just wondering how I'm going to motivate myself to stand up and do what i have to do when it takes so long to move haha! I'll be fine though, they've trained me to push through and not show the discomfort. And besides, it's a good pain; it's a strength pain.

This video is hilarious! Quincy showed it to me earlier, and it's funny cause that is exactly how we are!
"here, i can't get the internet working. help me fix it?" 
"I'm giving you a new operating system" 
"No, I don't want an operating system, I like my vista, I just want my internet" 
"Yeah, but it'd be so much better if you had a different system" 
"But then I have to reinstall pretty much everything and it's such a hassle and..." 
"fine, I'll install everything for you" 
"But then I have to learn a new operating system and I don't want to" 
"Look, it'll be really simple and I'll show you how to use it" 
"No, I like my operating system just how it is, can you please just fix my internet?" 

EXACT conversation we've had ^^ So this is really much funnier than to a normal person cause it's MY LIFE!!! AHHHH! ahah =]

well, I gotta get going. Studio soon and I have to choreograph 3 combinations for the kids, get myself ready (makeup and what-not), do some chores around the house, and yeah, that's about it... OH! One last thing! I'm still down 3 pounds, and today have only had 300 calories max =]
Rocky

Sooo yesterday I baked like crazy again. Took cookies and banana bread to youth group =] And may I just say (while on the subject of youth group) how adorable Paul and Ellen are? I think they're the new Jon and Emily, and that makes me happy cause I love the idea of there being that one couple at church who is a good example of a Godly relationship to the younger kids. Granted, they're a freshman and sophomore right now, but that's how Jon and Em started out. I'm very happy for them. And I'm also really excited to get to know her more =]

Got out to the studio yesterday <3 It was so good to be 'home'. Basically all we did was have a staff meeting and clean so the place is ready for classes today. I'm SO excited for this coming year there! And I found out the theme of the recital is "The Beatles"! YAY! And it's on June 16th =] I decided to make it my goal to finish school by the 15th, so then i'm 'graduated' and done with studio at the same time. I mean, not DONE with the studio, but for break, ya know?

And I'm SO ready for college! I think that'll be the theme of my posts from now on (unintentionally) cause I just can't stop thinking/feeling/saying it over and over! ahah! I'm really excited for what next year has in store for me =] The only thing is I have to make sure that I dont look forward to it so much that I neglect to enjoy this year.

I've lost 4 pounds so far!!! I dont know that i've actually lost that much or if it's just water weight, but if I keep this up then eventually there'll be no doubt that it's actually off my body and not just that i'm empty, ya know? And the first things Mr. Brad said to me were "wow, you look really good and in-shape!". It felt so good to hear that =]

For now I gotta go do stuff. Teaching in 4 1/2 hours! YAY!!! ttfn <3
Rocky

Sooo I saw a really close friend yesterday <3 I missed him so much! But now I'm afraid he's going to be overly emotional again... I love him like crazy (friend context) but he's too emotionally needy. And he takes things sooooo differently than they're meant. Oh well... hopefully it's ok...

Yesterdays calorie intake; 800 - 1,000 (not sure exactly where the night ended)
Todays calorie intake (so far, at 1:45pm); 60
I'm currently starving, but I don't even care. I've learned that if you're going to do something, you do it, no excuses. And if you aren't, don't even pretend. And I'm doing this. Plus, eventually unfed hunger just passes. I mean, I spent the morning baking cookies and banana bread, but that doesn't mean I have to eat it. I just felt like baking. I like doing things for people, so I baked for the Savelli's and youth group =] quite personally cookies sound disgusting.

taking placement tests today. SOO ready to start school. I just wanna get on this so I can finish, graduate, and move on with life. I'm ready for college SO much. And I decided I'm going to live in the dorms rather than commute. I'll get too stressed if I'm at home, and I know mom'll just pressure me to spend time with the family even though i'll be dancing, doing school, and working, and hopefully involved in some things at the college that if I join I'll talk about then, but not before. So I'm going to live in cleveland next year (if I get accepted to CWRU)! =D

Tomorrow I get to go for training at the studio. ugh! I feel so unprepared for teaching! Guess it's a good thing i'll be there tomorrow, but i'm terrified of doing something wrong and them being like "yup, sorry, changed our minds, you can't do this". I mean, I'd understand if they chose to not give me my class because they need someone who knows what they're doing and is comfortable and will do a good job at it, but I'm REALLY hoping that I rise to the occasion and excel. 

As for now I have to go. I've got stuff to do =[ Dont really wanna do anything... blah... ttyl! <3
Rocky

Sooo I just got back from being out with my friend, Jess, and had a blast =] But I feel so sick with myself for eating as much as I did... See, I've recently decided to watch how much I eat cause I just feel so fat this past month, and I can't let me do that to myself. And I know how horrible that sounds and how screwed up it is that a size 0 feels that way, and how wrong I am to see someone putting peanut butter on saltines and all I can think is "oh my god, do you want to be fat and disgusting?" and wanting to puke at the thought of eating that. But I can't help it! It's like I will never be good enough and I have to do something. I look in the mirror and see this awful, huge monstrosity that I hate. So, new rules for my diet;

Absolutely NO salt. NO soda. NO carbs. EVER.
If I feel hungry, chew gum, put on lip gloss, or drink water.
Cut everything into tiny pieces, put my fork down between bites, and chew a specific number of times.
If I absolutely MUST eat, no more than 50cal. snacks.

Hopefully this works, cause I feel awful about myself. I've got a few pictures of skinny dancers who are absolutely gorgeous on my phone to look at for inspiration when I feel like eating.

So far it's been more or less effective. Today I've had a donut (ew. but I had to! i just needed to indulge on last time before getting really strict here), cantaloupe, and a salad (with italian dressing),  Total calorie intake of the day; 535. I really think I'm on to something here =] And if I work out more then I'm only working off fat because there's no recent calories to burn =] I've also learned that when you're hungry, if you work out or stretch or something, eventually you're just not hungry anymore.

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. The difference between want and need is self control.Eat to live, don't live to eat. An imperfect body reflects an imperfect person. Don't eat anything today that you'll regret tomorrow. What's in your fingers today is on your hips tomorrow. Quod me nutrit, me destruit. (That hich nourishes me destroys me.) If I eat anything, I'll eat everything, so I eat nothing. I'm not there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday. A moment on lips; forever on the hips. Every time you say "No Thank you", you say, "Yes Please" to Thin. I don't care if it hurts, I want to have control, I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul. 


CW; 120lbs
GW1; 115lbs (by 9/18)
GW2; 110lbs (by 10/4)
EGW; 105lbs (by 10/14)

Now, losing 5 pounds in the next  14 days sounds really easy, right? But I indulge so much that it'll be harder than you'd imagine. Much less 15 pounds in 40 days when I spoil my fat rear end... Wish me luck!

Ahhh! I'm addicted to Death Cab for Cutie! I mean, it's not a new obsession or anything, I've basically worshiped them for a couple years now, but I just felt the need to share because they're amazing <3 I wish I were musically inclined and talented, but it seems my feet are the only artistic part about me. That's ok though, cause while anyone can play a guitar and there are no requirements for writing a 'song', dance is highly exclusive =]

So I'm applying to Case next weekend. Woohoo! Keep in mind this is the only college I'm applying to. I just feel that it's right, and everything points to it. I really believe it's where I belong. I've looked at other colleges (both in and out of state), but there isn't one I'm even remotely interested in beside Case. My backup plan was to go to OSU or UC, but even that appeals to me so little that it's now become my plan C. Lemme break this down for you;

Plan A;
Case Western Reserve University (from here on out reffered to as "case" or CWRU)

Plan B;
LCCC for a year

Plan C;
See where life stands after that year at LC and apply to CWRU, OSU, and UC.

Ta-da! It's all worked out and I'm quite satisfied. But now I have to retake the SAT cause I'm not quite happy enough with my scores. I did great, but I know I can do better. And I will do better. I'm so pumped for next year!!! =D

Up until a few days ago I'd planned to live at home, but now I'm not so sure. I kind of would like the "dorm and college experience", but I feel like with Case being only 35 minutes away they'd make me commute, especially since that was my original plan. And I think if I stay home mom will just pressure me so much for my time, whereas if I'm gone she'll just be happy I come around a few times a week. I mean, my studio is still only 5 minutes from home, and I dont plan on leaving it whether I live here or at college, so I'll certainly be here plenty. I dont know, we'll see what the future holds. But I'm starting to think that dorm and college life is a better option than home.

As for today and right now, I have to go clean and stuff while mom and dad are gone. woohoo? just how I love to spend my saturdays? eh, not quite.... TTFN! <3
~Rocky

Ok, ok, ok! i'm sorry! I haven't posted in forever and I feel awful about it... uhm, I guess you could say "not alot has changed" since my last post... The family reunion was amazing, I've been on break at the studio, room still isn't 100% finished, youth group started and I'm SOOO excited about my small group (!), I've gotten really ridiculously good at nail art, uhm... I think that's mostly it. figured out some college stuff. Life's pretty boring lately...

Went shopping with mom today. Had so much fun, and got some of the stuff I need for the pageant =] I'm really getting excited, but feeling a desperate need to hit the gym and get in shape! 42 days to go! =]

I'M TEACHING MY OWN CLASS! They gave me a Friday hip-hop class to teach at the studio =D i'm SO excited! And I'm in Elite (shocker?)!! I'm so ready for break to end, but at the same time i have this small desire to never go back... I love dance, I love the Savelli's, I just feel like it's taking over my life and the demands are getting too high. I know I only feel this way because i've been on break and gotten fat and lazy, so next week I wont feel this at all, but it just bums me out, ya know?

wow! just came across a poem I wrote a little less than a year. I forgot how powerful it was and how much it meant to me;


I know just how this story goes,
I've lived this life before.
But even so, there's something different,
something new and I feel free.
Maybe it's the coauthor, but baby,
I really think it's me.

We dance this dance, I know the steps well
But mix it up for me.
You're learning for the first time
just how to move your feet,
but can you mix it up for me?

I've heard that line before,
but the words are new to your lips
I'll choose to trust your innocence,
if you choose to trust my sins
And maybe through our unique situation
we'll end up falling in love
but baby tonight I just wanna dance with you,
so pretend it's all we get

Let's dance our dance, that no one else knows,
and be happy simply to move
perfection is achieved by practice,
so let's be sure that's what we dont do
This messy choreography pleases me more than you know
and maybe I'll end up loving you,
but only if I choose so


My God! I wish I could still write like that! I wish I had a reason to write like that!  I wish I still felt like that, most of all. Someday...

For now it's off to bed. I'm well exhausted from shopping and several hours skyping my lovely JM <3 Goodnight, world!

~Rocky