Well now I've completely slacked off for 3 weeks or so I think. Oh well, I'm a busy person and it's not like I owe it to anyone who may possibly read this blog a post or something. I write for myself, you just are lucky enough to have access to my thoughts.

In the past month, nothing has changed yet everything is different. My role at the studio has gone from primarily a student with a couple classes to teach, to a teacher who's also taking dance classes. I have a key to the studio. I'm not to call them Miss and Mr. anymore except when students and parents are around; they're now just Jo, Dustin, and Brad. Brad is ordering official ADMA business cards for me. I'm a part of decision making around there =] I'm so excited with where my future is going!

In my last post I ranted and raved all the questions in my head about my life and the choices I have. I also came to a decision that I wouldn't let you know what it was. Well, here it is; I'm not going to college, and I'm staying with the studio forever. I've never felt this right or happy about anything in my life. I know it's the right choice for me =] I'll admit at first even after making my decision that I was a bit frightend, but I'm not anymore. I'm 100% sure about this.

Thanksgiving went well. Not much to say about it though. Sarah, Tony, Rob, Grandmom, and Robs mum came over. We watched movies and talked and had the typical thanksgiving dinner. The end.

I'm so eager to get back to classes this week! I enjoyed the break but at the same time I was just so sad not to have Jo yelling about legs needing to be higher and toes pointed and what not haha. We had Elite practice todady, and I think that went well but I'm a bit nervous about my solo and duet. The duet isn't even finished and we're performing in a week. YIKES! And I was rushing through my solo and forgetting parts and the floor was just so slippery I couldn't hold anything. It was a disastrous practice on my part. Hopefully it's better on saturday, since that's when we perform.

I was put in charge of the performance on Saturday, too. At least until Jo can get there. She has to teach a class and we have to be in Cleveland at the same time, so I'm to make sure everything goes well until she gets there and that everyone is doing what they're meant to. It's exciting =]

I had to teach a LOT of classes at the studio recently because Jo was sick. I had tons of fun with all the girls and leading the classes =] I'm really looking forward to having more classes in the future to lead =D

I just got new pointe shoes, 5 pairs of tights, 2 pairs of shorts, 3 pairs of leggings, a dance sweater and 4 new leotards. It was SO exciting! I just love getting new dance clothes =] Probably a good $350-$400, but SO worth it. The pointe shoes themselves were $100. I got Gaynor Mindens this time. They're way prettier, have a cleaner cut, and supposedly are longer lasting. But I really miss my Bloch Aspirations. I wish they hadn't died =[ Maybe they weren't as elegant looking, I didn't look as tall and my feet didn't look as long, slender, and graceful, but they were just so comfortable and fun. Why is it that as soon as pointe shoes are comfortable and broken in, it's time for new ones???

I suppose that's all for now. Perhaps I'll write some poetry and post that for your prying curious eyes. I feel my inspiration renewed, and my muse awakened. That's all for now
Rocky xoxo

Alright world, so it's been about a week and a half since I posted last. I'd like to inform you that something exciting has happend, that there's something really interesting to write about, but that is not the case. I'm just living my typical life still. I got my college application into Case Western Reserve University though =] Only 39 days left until I know what the future holds, and even then I wont have a clue what's in store for my life.

Speaking of not knowing what's in store for the future, I am so confused! There's about 5 different paths I could go down right now, all completely life altering and I have no idea which I'll be lead to take. Every single one is my choice, but at the same time not really. I'm learning that I believe in destiny; I just don't know what mine is yet. You cannot imagine how frustrated I am by this though! I just want to look into a crystal ball and see where I'm supposed to be in 5 years, or what the different lives I could have are based on decisions made today. Is going to college the right choice for me? Is it better to just skip further education altogether and stick with ADMA 100%? What is my role supposed to be for the studio and the people there? Should I skip college, stick with ADMA, and do something else simple like cosmetology or phlebotomy or something as a side job?

These are just a fraction of the questions keeping me up all night every night. I can't even get into some of them. I just have no idea what I'm supposed to do! I think I know where I'm supposed to go and what my future holds, but I'm nervous that it's the wrong choice. What I'm leaning towards has potential for TONS of drama and life-long changes. I've really had to question almost everything I know about me this past week. I know what I want to do, I know what I think I should do, but I can't decide if it's worth the risk. And what if I'm right, what if my decision is the answer and I walk away from it cause I decide there's too much controversy for me to deal with? Then what? Am I left to live a miserable life that isn't meant for me because I abandoned my true destiny???

Can you see why I haven't slept in a week? I'm so conflicted! And I have until tomorrow to figure it all out. I'm sorry I'm being vague, but I can't afford to be anything else.

Aside from that, things are going really well. I took the SAT for the 2nd time yesterday. Pretty sure I did worse considering I fell asleep during one of the sections. Oh well, that's life right? At least my 1st scores were really good (I was just hoping to make them better). Dance is going phenomenally! I'm really well on my way to being somebody in the dance world. If not a performer, I know I'll be a world-class teacher and/or choreographer. I just feel it in me.

WHOA! Decision that's been frustrating me for a week now made JUST NOW. the one I've been ranting about. In my last 2 sentences it all became clear to me where my life is going, what I want, and where I'm supposed to be. Such a weight suddenly lifted. But I now know that the next 5-10 years are not going to be easy. But I'm ready. Maybe I'll sleep better tonight. I hope.

So today at church I attended a seminar on stem cell research. Ya know, I wasn't aware that there were other kinds than just embryonic stem cell research being done? But there's adult stem cell research as well. And did you know that they can take the cells from a 60+ year old and regenerate them to be like that of a 15 year old?! In theory we can elongate a persons life!!! Although that isn't to say the quality of life would be as good as that of a younger person. There are so many moral implications to all of this as well. And embryonic research has never produced results, where as adult stem cell research has provided cures for things. MIND. BLOWN. I didn't know any of that! It has definitely left me with a lot to think about.

Alright, well I guess that's about it for now. I gotta go work on some stuff before Leone picks me up and we go to frisbee (first time in like 2 or 3 months for me). TTFN!

XoXo <333

Rocky

I got all of my splits down. Blog post validated and in no need of more information about my current life. YEAH BAY-BAY!!! =D That is all.
XOXO <333
Rocky

I wrote a post, but just deleted it cause it seemed really stupid. All it was was me going on and on about the class i teach and how I'm so busy and blah blah blah and a list of every injury i have and where i got it and blah blah blah. BORING. My life is WAY more exciting than stupid stuff like that! =D I mean, yeah, that is a HUGE part of my life, but certainly you dont wanna just hear about dance every time I post, right? how boring does that get?!

In the past week not much has happened except for we had a couple frogs living in a spider plant and we couldn't figure out what the heck was making that chirping sound, but eventually they jumped out and it all made sense =] The cat has been violently stalking me (and by violently I mean purring and cuddling) to the point where he will NOT let me sleep cause he just wants to cuddle. The chickens are just chickens. that's mainly that.

Haven't really done much as far as social occurrences, but I did go out on Sunday. After church Juan picked me up and we went out for lunch, then spent the rest of the day watching movies at his house. It was fun, and I can't wait to do it again =] Right now I'm trying to talk him into attending my friend, Molly's, 18th/halloween party with me on Saturday -crosses fingers-

I also have to work a halloween party at the studio on Friday, which i'm kinda excited about but at the same time not. And also I have to come up with a costume. bleh. Guess that's that for now. Pretty tired and the cat is scratching at my door to be let it.
XOXO <333
Rocky

Alright world, time for me to bust some myths about beauty pageants and those who are involved in them. Let's be honest, there are many stereotypes associated with beauty pageants, and I myself am guilty of believing them. Watch out, cause if you decide to do a pageant then everything you think you know will be turned up-side down!

Myth #1

"Pageant girls are all air heads who are only good for looking pretty" 

Some of the smartest people I know I met this past weekend! They're in college, they're straight A's, they're polite and classy and just all around smart people =] And they have so much ambition and so many goals in life! How can someone be ditsy and have such drive?!

Myth #2 

"They're so stuck up and self-absorbed!" Pageant girls are the farthest thing from stuck up. Actually, they're just as insecure if not more so than the rest of us about their appearance and speaking properly. The only difference is they've learned to love themselves through any flaws they have, and that we can't all be perfect. And they've learned to be confident in who they are. You want a reason to find flaws in yourself? Try being in a room of 50 other girls who in your eyes are completely flawless and drop-dead gorgeous. Then see how hot you feel. Truth is they feel about you how you feel about them. 


                                                     Myth #3 "they're the meanest girls you'll ever meet"            Lies. That's all I can say is LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES. These girls are the most caring, friendly, warm-hearted group of teenage girls you'll ever meet! Everyone wanted to help each other and was cheering for everyone else!  They're the most willing to curl each others hair and share make-up and give tips on how to pose and just everything wonderful about a girl. They are the farthest thing from mean!  

 myth #4 "They're completely fake!"

In a room full of fake boobs, fake eyelashes, fake nails, fake tans, and fake hair, are the realist girls out there. So maybe they (we?) use a few false products to enhance ourselves and be a tad bit closer to feeling perfect, but c'mon, who doesn't? We just happen to be stereotyped and judged for it.

Bottom line? I loved it, had an amazing time, made some true friends and just had FUN! Yeah, it's a bit stressful and tiring, but was it worth it? without a doubt! Would I do it again? In a heart-beat (I'm planning to). You go in there with all the prejudices and preconceived notions that have ever existed about pageants and their participants, but I guarantee by the end of LUNCH the first day you'll realize everything I have about them. I am not the same person I was just a week ago, and it's thanks to those amazing girls at the pageant <333

~Rocky

So, it's the day I go down to Portsmouth. OMG. this has snuck up on me SOOO quickly! I can't believe that in 48 hours my whole next year could be completely different! I'm so excited! And I just found out that Cory's girlfrind, Allison, is in Miss Ohio USA! So I'm sure I'll see her at some point. I was hoping that meant the Svettes would be there, but they wont =[ It'll be great though! Also, i would like to apologixze for poor spelling and typos -- I've got fake nails on and it's impossible to type with these darn things! ahah!

Yup, here I am! Miss Sheffield Village Teen USA =] So ready, so excited, so not caring about the outcome =] So today is spent packing, trying to make sure i dont lose my mind making sure i dont forget anything, teaching, getting a hair cut, and then shooting off for a 4-hour drive. yayyy! =] I'm very eager =]

And I love my girls at youth group <3 they all signed a card wishing me luck, and it means so much to me!!! I'm taking it and putting it at my mirror to keep me calm and remind me who's got my back and of everyone who supports me at home <333

Have you ever just felt that everyone is pushing you? Like not a single person thinks you're good enough just how you are? I think at some point everyone feels this way, but for everyone else it's just their own paranoia and insecurity. In my case, I actually have pretty much everyone in my life telling me I'm inadequate. That I'm not enough. That I need to be more, be different, be someone other than I am. I don't understand what's so wrong about me? What am I doing so horribly in my life that not one single person says "good job" or anything encouraging? Why is it always (and only) "you dont work hard enough" (when my knuckles are bleeding and dancing with splinters in my feet), and "you suck at ____" (specific thing but i'm not saying what). Why is it "you're not allowed to lead the bible study you're so excited about and i'm going to invade because you're not good enough".

In church, in dance, in work, in family, in friendships, in every single thing I do everyone tells me what's wrong with me and how i'm not good enough. I dont need someone else to believe in me, because I do and I'm enough for me, but it would be really nice just for one person to say I'm not "mediocre", and to tell me they know i can do it, and they see how hard i'm trying in everything.

When I already do everything I can, why does nobody think I'm worth it as I am? I am so sick of being told what i do wrong and what needs to change, and I just want to hear that I'm on the right path. I wish I weren't the only person who believed I could do things.

Anyways, aside from that my diet is going well. I dont think I'm capable of actually losing weight though. I've stuck at the 3 pounds for a while now. but i'm also working out again and so I'm gaining more muscle. Maybe I should just try and get to 115 and be ok with that... But the goal is to be skinny. today I definitely went wayyy over my calorie limit, but that's ok cause tomorrow's a new day to start fresh =]

I guess that's that for now...
Rocky


PS
 some quotes that assist in expressing how I feel;

"You will never be strong enough, You will never be good enough, You were never conceived in love, You will not rise above" They'll never see, I'll never be, I'll struggle on and on to feed this hunger, Burning deep inside of me

 But I know the difference between myself and my reflection. I just can't help but to wonder, which of us do you love?

 Feels like the weight of the world, like God in heaven gave me a turn... and oh, I know you don't believe in me."

I don't need to touch the sky. I just want to feel that high, and you refuse to lift me.

I can't change who I am. Not this time, I won't lie to keep you near me. And in this short life, there's no time to waste on giving up.

hello, remember me? I’m everything you can’t control... but every hour slipping by screams that I have failed you 

 

Speak your mind, like I care. I can see your lips moving I've just learned not to hear. Don't waste your time. It's never enough for you, don't want to play your game anymore. And now that I've tried everything I'll numb the pain, 'til I am made of stone

Well, teaching went splendidly yesterday! However the stress still hasn't subsided as today is my first time teaching hip-hop. I know I'll do fine, but it's still that little nerve saying "what if you mess up?" nagging in the back of your mind kinda thing. I'm still excited though =]

I'm SO sore from yesterday! I taught jazz then took tumbling, cardio, and breakdancing. After all I did yesterday, my muscles are just like "uhm... 'scuse me?". I pity my body for being trapped with a dancers soul! I have to teach (as I said) today, and I'm just wondering how I'm going to motivate myself to stand up and do what i have to do when it takes so long to move haha! I'll be fine though, they've trained me to push through and not show the discomfort. And besides, it's a good pain; it's a strength pain.

This video is hilarious! Quincy showed it to me earlier, and it's funny cause that is exactly how we are!
"here, i can't get the internet working. help me fix it?" 
"I'm giving you a new operating system" 
"No, I don't want an operating system, I like my vista, I just want my internet" 
"Yeah, but it'd be so much better if you had a different system" 
"But then I have to reinstall pretty much everything and it's such a hassle and..." 
"fine, I'll install everything for you" 
"But then I have to learn a new operating system and I don't want to" 
"Look, it'll be really simple and I'll show you how to use it" 
"No, I like my operating system just how it is, can you please just fix my internet?" 

EXACT conversation we've had ^^ So this is really much funnier than to a normal person cause it's MY LIFE!!! AHHHH! ahah =]

well, I gotta get going. Studio soon and I have to choreograph 3 combinations for the kids, get myself ready (makeup and what-not), do some chores around the house, and yeah, that's about it... OH! One last thing! I'm still down 3 pounds, and today have only had 300 calories max =]
Rocky

Sooo yesterday I baked like crazy again. Took cookies and banana bread to youth group =] And may I just say (while on the subject of youth group) how adorable Paul and Ellen are? I think they're the new Jon and Emily, and that makes me happy cause I love the idea of there being that one couple at church who is a good example of a Godly relationship to the younger kids. Granted, they're a freshman and sophomore right now, but that's how Jon and Em started out. I'm very happy for them. And I'm also really excited to get to know her more =]

Got out to the studio yesterday <3 It was so good to be 'home'. Basically all we did was have a staff meeting and clean so the place is ready for classes today. I'm SO excited for this coming year there! And I found out the theme of the recital is "The Beatles"! YAY! And it's on June 16th =] I decided to make it my goal to finish school by the 15th, so then i'm 'graduated' and done with studio at the same time. I mean, not DONE with the studio, but for break, ya know?

And I'm SO ready for college! I think that'll be the theme of my posts from now on (unintentionally) cause I just can't stop thinking/feeling/saying it over and over! ahah! I'm really excited for what next year has in store for me =] The only thing is I have to make sure that I dont look forward to it so much that I neglect to enjoy this year.

I've lost 4 pounds so far!!! I dont know that i've actually lost that much or if it's just water weight, but if I keep this up then eventually there'll be no doubt that it's actually off my body and not just that i'm empty, ya know? And the first things Mr. Brad said to me were "wow, you look really good and in-shape!". It felt so good to hear that =]

For now I gotta go do stuff. Teaching in 4 1/2 hours! YAY!!! ttfn <3
Rocky

Sooo I saw a really close friend yesterday <3 I missed him so much! But now I'm afraid he's going to be overly emotional again... I love him like crazy (friend context) but he's too emotionally needy. And he takes things sooooo differently than they're meant. Oh well... hopefully it's ok...

Yesterdays calorie intake; 800 - 1,000 (not sure exactly where the night ended)
Todays calorie intake (so far, at 1:45pm); 60
I'm currently starving, but I don't even care. I've learned that if you're going to do something, you do it, no excuses. And if you aren't, don't even pretend. And I'm doing this. Plus, eventually unfed hunger just passes. I mean, I spent the morning baking cookies and banana bread, but that doesn't mean I have to eat it. I just felt like baking. I like doing things for people, so I baked for the Savelli's and youth group =] quite personally cookies sound disgusting.

taking placement tests today. SOO ready to start school. I just wanna get on this so I can finish, graduate, and move on with life. I'm ready for college SO much. And I decided I'm going to live in the dorms rather than commute. I'll get too stressed if I'm at home, and I know mom'll just pressure me to spend time with the family even though i'll be dancing, doing school, and working, and hopefully involved in some things at the college that if I join I'll talk about then, but not before. So I'm going to live in cleveland next year (if I get accepted to CWRU)! =D

Tomorrow I get to go for training at the studio. ugh! I feel so unprepared for teaching! Guess it's a good thing i'll be there tomorrow, but i'm terrified of doing something wrong and them being like "yup, sorry, changed our minds, you can't do this". I mean, I'd understand if they chose to not give me my class because they need someone who knows what they're doing and is comfortable and will do a good job at it, but I'm REALLY hoping that I rise to the occasion and excel. 

As for now I have to go. I've got stuff to do =[ Dont really wanna do anything... blah... ttyl! <3
Rocky

Sooo I just got back from being out with my friend, Jess, and had a blast =] But I feel so sick with myself for eating as much as I did... See, I've recently decided to watch how much I eat cause I just feel so fat this past month, and I can't let me do that to myself. And I know how horrible that sounds and how screwed up it is that a size 0 feels that way, and how wrong I am to see someone putting peanut butter on saltines and all I can think is "oh my god, do you want to be fat and disgusting?" and wanting to puke at the thought of eating that. But I can't help it! It's like I will never be good enough and I have to do something. I look in the mirror and see this awful, huge monstrosity that I hate. So, new rules for my diet;

Absolutely NO salt. NO soda. NO carbs. EVER.
If I feel hungry, chew gum, put on lip gloss, or drink water.
Cut everything into tiny pieces, put my fork down between bites, and chew a specific number of times.
If I absolutely MUST eat, no more than 50cal. snacks.

Hopefully this works, cause I feel awful about myself. I've got a few pictures of skinny dancers who are absolutely gorgeous on my phone to look at for inspiration when I feel like eating.

So far it's been more or less effective. Today I've had a donut (ew. but I had to! i just needed to indulge on last time before getting really strict here), cantaloupe, and a salad (with italian dressing),  Total calorie intake of the day; 535. I really think I'm on to something here =] And if I work out more then I'm only working off fat because there's no recent calories to burn =] I've also learned that when you're hungry, if you work out or stretch or something, eventually you're just not hungry anymore.

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. The difference between want and need is self control.Eat to live, don't live to eat. An imperfect body reflects an imperfect person. Don't eat anything today that you'll regret tomorrow. What's in your fingers today is on your hips tomorrow. Quod me nutrit, me destruit. (That hich nourishes me destroys me.) If I eat anything, I'll eat everything, so I eat nothing. I'm not there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday. A moment on lips; forever on the hips. Every time you say "No Thank you", you say, "Yes Please" to Thin. I don't care if it hurts, I want to have control, I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul. 


CW; 120lbs
GW1; 115lbs (by 9/18)
GW2; 110lbs (by 10/4)
EGW; 105lbs (by 10/14)

Now, losing 5 pounds in the next  14 days sounds really easy, right? But I indulge so much that it'll be harder than you'd imagine. Much less 15 pounds in 40 days when I spoil my fat rear end... Wish me luck!

Ahhh! I'm addicted to Death Cab for Cutie! I mean, it's not a new obsession or anything, I've basically worshiped them for a couple years now, but I just felt the need to share because they're amazing <3 I wish I were musically inclined and talented, but it seems my feet are the only artistic part about me. That's ok though, cause while anyone can play a guitar and there are no requirements for writing a 'song', dance is highly exclusive =]

So I'm applying to Case next weekend. Woohoo! Keep in mind this is the only college I'm applying to. I just feel that it's right, and everything points to it. I really believe it's where I belong. I've looked at other colleges (both in and out of state), but there isn't one I'm even remotely interested in beside Case. My backup plan was to go to OSU or UC, but even that appeals to me so little that it's now become my plan C. Lemme break this down for you;

Plan A;
Case Western Reserve University (from here on out reffered to as "case" or CWRU)

Plan B;
LCCC for a year

Plan C;
See where life stands after that year at LC and apply to CWRU, OSU, and UC.

Ta-da! It's all worked out and I'm quite satisfied. But now I have to retake the SAT cause I'm not quite happy enough with my scores. I did great, but I know I can do better. And I will do better. I'm so pumped for next year!!! =D

Up until a few days ago I'd planned to live at home, but now I'm not so sure. I kind of would like the "dorm and college experience", but I feel like with Case being only 35 minutes away they'd make me commute, especially since that was my original plan. And I think if I stay home mom will just pressure me so much for my time, whereas if I'm gone she'll just be happy I come around a few times a week. I mean, my studio is still only 5 minutes from home, and I dont plan on leaving it whether I live here or at college, so I'll certainly be here plenty. I dont know, we'll see what the future holds. But I'm starting to think that dorm and college life is a better option than home.

As for today and right now, I have to go clean and stuff while mom and dad are gone. woohoo? just how I love to spend my saturdays? eh, not quite.... TTFN! <3
~Rocky

Ok, ok, ok! i'm sorry! I haven't posted in forever and I feel awful about it... uhm, I guess you could say "not alot has changed" since my last post... The family reunion was amazing, I've been on break at the studio, room still isn't 100% finished, youth group started and I'm SOOO excited about my small group (!), I've gotten really ridiculously good at nail art, uhm... I think that's mostly it. figured out some college stuff. Life's pretty boring lately...

Went shopping with mom today. Had so much fun, and got some of the stuff I need for the pageant =] I'm really getting excited, but feeling a desperate need to hit the gym and get in shape! 42 days to go! =]

I'M TEACHING MY OWN CLASS! They gave me a Friday hip-hop class to teach at the studio =D i'm SO excited! And I'm in Elite (shocker?)!! I'm so ready for break to end, but at the same time i have this small desire to never go back... I love dance, I love the Savelli's, I just feel like it's taking over my life and the demands are getting too high. I know I only feel this way because i've been on break and gotten fat and lazy, so next week I wont feel this at all, but it just bums me out, ya know?

wow! just came across a poem I wrote a little less than a year. I forgot how powerful it was and how much it meant to me;


I know just how this story goes,
I've lived this life before.
But even so, there's something different,
something new and I feel free.
Maybe it's the coauthor, but baby,
I really think it's me.

We dance this dance, I know the steps well
But mix it up for me.
You're learning for the first time
just how to move your feet,
but can you mix it up for me?

I've heard that line before,
but the words are new to your lips
I'll choose to trust your innocence,
if you choose to trust my sins
And maybe through our unique situation
we'll end up falling in love
but baby tonight I just wanna dance with you,
so pretend it's all we get

Let's dance our dance, that no one else knows,
and be happy simply to move
perfection is achieved by practice,
so let's be sure that's what we dont do
This messy choreography pleases me more than you know
and maybe I'll end up loving you,
but only if I choose so


My God! I wish I could still write like that! I wish I had a reason to write like that!  I wish I still felt like that, most of all. Someday...

For now it's off to bed. I'm well exhausted from shopping and several hours skyping my lovely JM <3 Goodnight, world!

~Rocky

Well, I'm in Pittsburgh! Heading out to Station Square soon <3 I gotta tell you though, this week has not been my best. Monday I can't remember what happened, but it just wasn't anything great. Tuesday Mr. Brad almost left me stranded after I woke up at 9am and was running a bit behind schedule, then yelled at everyone in the studio, and afterwards called me into the office to lecture me on how i'm too fat, getting lazy, and on the verge of being "too old to dance". Awesome. He's right though; I am getting fat and am SO close to being too old =[ I thought I was working hard though! It's just killing me that I'm trying my best and they say I'm not doing anything. So I try harder, and they still say I'm being lazy. So I step it up even more till my feet are bleeding, my lungs feel like they're going to collapse, and i'm losing toe-nails and guess what; it's still not enough.

Wednesday (yesterday) I went in, worked harder, guess they were somewhat happier with my performance level, and then left. Mom took me to an urgent care center though cause I hurt my leg doing a leap. Now I've got a stress fracture in my shin ='[ It hurt so bad to walk yesterday. When the savelli's find out they'll just tell me to "suck it up and keep working". Then my sister and I left for pittsburgh. Guess what; we got a flat tire 45 minutes into the drive. Yup, so we got to sleep in the car until a place opened up at 8am, got a new tire, and finally were back on the road. Did I mention we broke down around midnight? fantastic.

But I'm here now, and it's wonderful <3 And besides, my week wasn't all bad; I had the best 4 days I've had in a LONG time this past week; Saturday through Tuesday. I went out with a friend, and we went out the next day, and the next, and the next. He's leaving for college on Thursday, but I'm REALLY glad for the time we hung out this past week. We're going out on Tuesday, too.

I miss Monica! I haven't seen her in weeks! =[

~Rocky

Okkkk so it's been quite some time since I've posted. Sorry about that. I was gonna wait until my room was finished and post a picture, buttt that's taking a lot longer than expected =[ Uhmmm basically you haven't missed much; all I've done for the past week is dance. 45 hours last week, and already got 11 in today. So yeah, basically that's been my life. Today I my knees gave out on me a couple times, my hips wouldn't let me kick high, and my toes started bleeding. Yay? Seriously though, I really am enjoying myself, strange as that may be.

Haven't talked to Jon much lately =[ I miss him and have been so busy. I feel like I should force him to hang out with me soon... just for old times sake =] I guess I owe you a picture of me and some friends. Here, you get me, Mike, and Monica on 4th of July. I miss them so muchhhh! <3

I think I'm going to bed soon. I'm in rediculous amounts of pain and doing it all again tomorrow (from like 10-730). I need to give my body a break =[ Luckily I get one when I go to Pittsburgh and Virginia this week! Wednesday-Monday I'll be gone <3 I'm SOOO excited! I've been looking forward to this trip since may/june 2010! yeah, over a year. Kinda sad, but I've got good reasons =]

Ok, bed time. I'll try and be more consistent with blogging.
~Rocky

Ok, so I'm slacking off. But who can blame me? In the past 10 days I've moved into my new house, painted my room, finished work, gone to CP, barely slept, gone to a concert, been keeping up with my classes, and now i'm doing dance camp. Suffice to say I've been busy.

Well the concert was amazing! May I just say The Decemberists put on the best show i've been to in a LONG time?! Gah! so much happiness!

The new house is pretty much the bestest ever! It's so big! But my room is ground-level and my sister forgot her keys on saturday, so she started banging on my window at 3am. I almost peed my pants I was so scared. But hey, nobody died so I guess that's good, right?

Saturday I went to Cedar Point with Patrick, his brother, and Moira. It was so much fun! however I've discovered that wearing converse is a bad idea. More support is needed on a dancers feet. Oi!

Speaking of dancers feet, I'm exhausted! I danced non-stop from 10-7 today. Talk about being active!  But I'm loving dance camp <3 Tomorrow I wont be able to move, I'm sure of it! The cost of dancing is pain though. If it were easy and meant for the weak, undedicated population it'd be called football, or golf or something like that. But it's not; it's DANCE!

I saw my recital video today. May I just say how awesome it was? I mean, yeah, I hated like half of my time on stage but it really wasn't as awkward looking as I felt doing things =] I miss recital so much <3 it majorly bums me out that I dont get another performance until next spring! =[ Oh welll, just more time to improve! =D

I'm really friggin' tired, so i'm going to go eat and text Nick and what-not. peace out!
Rocky

OMG! I can't believe I haven't even posted in almost two weeks! WTH?! Life kinda got busy =/ Summary of the past two weeks;

Sister moved out.
I'm moving on saturday officially and completely
It's really friggin hot!
Dance started up again, and I feel whole again <3
CHANDLER'S HOME! FOR GOOD! <3 SOO HAPPY!
Virginia in 3 weeks! <3
Waxed for the first time; not a pleasant experience
Spent forever getting sponsor letters out, but finally did. hopefully it pays off (literally) or I'm screwed.
I have entirely too much dance stuff
My room is soooo empty! (due to moving)
Phone died. got a new one. repeat 3 times. waiting for my blackberry to arrive in the mail =]
Saved over $400 for a car in the past 2 weeks
Sister disappointed me beyond belief today. NEVER trusting or relying on her for anything. it's "good" to finally see completely where her priorities lie, and how I dont fit into her life.
Severed some ties to certain people
In contrast, also restored a couple broken friendships.
Work is almost done

K, now you're more or less caught up with my life. Ta-da!
~Rocky

Well now, it's been a while since I've had an actual post, but even longer since i had a picture with it! I apologize for slacking off! But hey, the important this is that I'm blogging now =]

Let's start where I left off; on the 3rd my family had our 4th of july celebration since daddy worked then next day, and that was awesome =] Went to fireworks in Avon Lake. Saw some friends there! Maureen, Sarah M., Mike O., Monica (<3!). And then it came time to settle down and watch the fireworks. Who do I sit next to? You'll never guess! CHARLIE! @!&#*$#!!!! Of all the fireworks displays that night, we ended up at that one. of all the seats that night, we ended up next to each other. Of all the people to run into, it was him! I almost died. in a bad way. And then what does my dad do? He invited him over for the 4th the next day!!! All I wanted was to slap him and crush him and tell him how horrid I really think he is =/ BLAH!

On the 4th I spent most of the day layin' out catchin' some sun, trying to convince nick to come visit. Failed miserably. However, I did get to go to Bay Days with my friends Monica and Mike, and I had a great time! Saw Vanessa, had about 100 awkward run-ins with people from mine, mikes, monicas, and other people's pasts. It was a night of awkwardness. I still had tons of fun =] Met this fun guy, Ian. He seems pretty nice. Now he has a ukulele obsession that he developed that night when one of his friends left the uke they won from a carnie in the car. But hey, whatever floats his boat, eh? =]

Started work Tuesday. I was totally prepared for screaming kids, profane language, nobody's clothes to stay on, things to get thrown, biting, licking, just general all around bad behavior. To my delight and surprise every single one of my students is virtually perfect! I mean, sure, a few are a little withdrawn or have speech issues, but they all do exactly what they're told, and are a lot of fun to be around and are well behaved =] I'm having the best week of camp I've ever had.

I painted my nails pacman last night while Skyping with Sharon. Yup. It's pretty awesome.

MOVING ON, LIKE, MONDAY! AH! =D I'm soooo excited! I just really cannot wait to go to my new house <3 Yet as ready and eager as I am, I'm kinda sad about it. I've lived here for 8 years. This has been home for 8 years. So many firsts, birthdays, graduations, holidays, parties, sleepovers, movie nights, bonfires, so much sweat put into making this place a comfortable environment. It's so strange to think that in a week, I wont even be here. The other times I've moved I never felt like this, but I'm older and have better comprehension of what it really means now. I'll adjust I'm sure.

Dance starting on monday! AH! YAY! so friggin' excited!  and this I'm actually ONLY excited about! no apprehension, no mixed feelings, just pure joy and excitement =] It's been far too long (3 weeks!) since Ive had a class, and I start pointe on monday!!! For now I'm going to pack some boxes, and try to come up with plans for tonight. w00t. peace out!
Rocky

this is a place-holder blog until I can post a new once probably tomorrow. I've been wanting to post for a few days not but been REALLLY busy and sleepy so it just hasn't been happening =[ anddd why have I been busy and tired? -cartoon voice- stay tuned to find out! ;]
~Rocky

Sooo a few things have changed in my life since Wednesday. First off, I'm finally feeling stable again. I feel like I'm living my life, and it's not living me. Let's see how long it lasts this time! Second, I can't discuss details, but one particular situation that was causing mental problems for me has been worked out, to everyones satisfaction =] Wont be moving until the 20th, at the soonest. I'm so bummed! I've been soooo excited but it's just not happening yet =/  oh well! In good time I suppose.

I went to my friends birthday/birthday/grad/grad/grad party today. It was great to see Rina and Moira today! Played frisbee, volleyball, more frisbee, chilled on the beach, ate watermelon. Normal summer beach party stuff =] It was nice. However I'm now covered in sand and incredibly dirty ahah! But I enjoyed it, and made a new frienddddd xD Also, I LOVE Rinas grandmother! She reminds me so much of Grandma Pfeiffer! I miss her so much!

Well tomorrow after church i'm supposed to get coffee with Grace. I'm looking forward to it. We haven't really talked in a long time (since before she left for college, i think) so it'll be good to catch up for realzies. Afterwards; FRISBEE! Yay! thennn it's home for family night. dunno what we're doing. For now I'm REALLY tired. it's been a very long day. I really need to get back to taking pictures for this so-called photoblog. it's lacking in photos lately haha! oh well, life happens right?

Work starts on tuesday. I'm really looking forward to it! I like the teacher i'm working with, and i'm eager to learn about the kids! Wish me luck!
Rocky

Lyrics that sum me up tonight cause I dont actually feel like talking but should probably blog;

How do you leave the past behind when it keeps finding ways to get to your heart?

Love me dead

Should it hurt to love you? Should I feel like I do?

take me, baby, or leave me

And if it's a hero you want, I can save you. Just stay here.

Affection is yours if you ask but first you must take off your mask

I'll believe all your lies Just pretend you love me

Love means holding on to someone just as hard as you can because if you don't, one blink and they might disappear...forever.

YOU. DRIVE. ME. CRAZY!!! Seriously, nobody in the world frustrates me as much as you do. Nobody confuses me as much as you do. Nobody pisses me off and hurts me as much as you do. Nobody has my sincere attention and affection as much as you do. So what gives? We've had this 'fight' (argument, dispute, lecture, whatever you desire to call it) time and again, yet you just don't seem to understand. It's not that complicated! You make me feel like such an idiot! Like I'm the only person who cares in this friendship. I feel like everyone looks at us when we're together and just goes "oh, yeah, they're not really friends, she only thinks they are when it's clear _______ doesn't care". Thanks. Thanks so friggin' much. Why do you do this to me EVERY. SINGLE. DAY?!?!?!  When ____ was treating me this way, you said "just forget them, they're the worst friend ever. You can have much better friends". Yet you do the exact same. UGH!

How long till enough is enough for me? Are you really willing to push me so hard to the risk of losing me? When will you just listen and finally understand? You are killing me.
~Rocky

ugh i dont feel like blogging. I'm just skimming the surface, drowning in white. I need the blue to come back. I guess the best way to describe how I really feel is verbalized by basically anything Ellen Hopkins has ever said.

"I hate this feeling. Like I'm here, but I'm not. Like someone cares. But they don't. Like I belong somewhere else, anywhere but here."

"Wish you could turn off the questions, turn off the voices, turn off all sound.

Yearn to close out the ugliness, close out the filthiness, close out all light.

Long to cast away yesterday, cast away memory, cast away all jeopardy.

Pray you could somehow stop uncertainty, somehow stop the loathing, somehow stop the pain. 

"All I can do is lie here, brain turning somersaults. It's nights like these when memories stir, whipping themselves into stiff peaks of pain."

"It's just so hard to feel good, you know?" I do know. And more than that, it's just so incredibly hard to feel."

"Some days I think I'm losing my mind. What seems so clear most of the time becomes a big question mark."

I haven't really felt any of that in a long time. But I do now. I wouldn't say I'm at my darkest time that i've ever visited, but I feel like I'm sinking deeper into the white. Have you ever known that what you were feeling was wrong? have you ever known you should fight it with everything you've got? Have you ever just been content to stay where you know is wrong, simply cause the effort to climb out and back into color seemed so exhausting that you didn't think it was worth it? I hate the white, yet I need it all the same. The feeling of emptiness is both terrifying and exciting all at once.

It's easy to fake being fine when I'm with people or in public; I've been doing it since I was 12. But when I'm alone, just me, and there's nobody to lie to, that's when reality hits and pulls me below the surface. I dont know why I feel this way. I dont know why I get so low. I dont know why I dont ask for help. The voice inside is screaming "throw me a rope" but it's hushed by the fear of being judged or punished. It's not my fault I'm like this, I dont actually like it. Bit I've come to live with it, and in a sick way to appreciate it.

I wonder how other people live. If they are genuinely happy and content with life as they seem, or if everyone else is secretly drowning too. What if we're all hushing our inner voice? But then, what if it is just me? I wish I knew why I was different; why when my life is perfect and I couldn't be happier I just feel so hollow.
I dont know how long this phase will last this time, but I need it to be over. The headaches, the nausea, the exhaustion, the complete and utter lack of desire for anything. I just want it to stop.
~Rocky

I'M. SO. BORED.
and also feeling very apathetic and moderate/mildly severe depression. I hate this! I hate being alone, i hate not having anything to do but clean and do school and sleep, i hate everything right now =[

I just feel like life isn't real without the studio. nothings right. I mean, nothing's ever right, but the studio is my escape. I dont have an escape. Quite the opposite; i'm locked away with all my thoughts and emotions and absolutely no distraction or freedom from it. I feel like I did freshman year; angry, empty, invisible, used, worthless. I dont even know why!

Ok, well that's not completely true. I got in a huge fight with several people last night. There's just too much drama! Today I just feel so... I don't even know what I feel. Do I even feel? I just wanna leave right now and never look back. Haven't you ever felt that way? Like you just wanted to get away forever? All this time I thought I'd gotten better from my depression and self-pity, but it turns out i was just distracted from it with dance. Hey, as long as I have that distraction I guess I don't really need 'healed'. I guess I just found a way to cope that didn't involve pain. But right now I don't have that, and I just... I just want to dig a hole and hide away from the world. I feel like something's missing. I HATE my anxiety!

I can't function right now. I feel like I can't breathe. Maybe I'm being over-dramatic, but I just feel so alone. I've been starting to realize for a while now that I have no friends that I feel comfortable just telling anything and everything to. I feel like I have to hide thoughts and emotions just to save face and keep the world from thinking I'm crazy. I feel like I'm on the brink of insanity again! And I feel alone in it =[ I miss my bible study! I miss Becca and Lydia so much, and just having that time where we could come together and I felt safe with those girls. Like I could be real and honest. Dig a little deeper into how we really thought and felt about things.

I'm just not used to being alone. Never in my life have I been alone. It's not working for me and I hate it! Now I'll let you go and spare you of my "teenage angst"... I guess that's that for now ='/
~Rocky

Yesterday was Father's Day, so I skipped church and intended on making daddy breakfast and gardening with him. Nobody woke me up and I didn't have an alarm set, so I slept until 12. Whoops... But I did get to spend time with him outside playing with the chickens <3 I think he had a good day!

After spending some time with mi padre, I went to a musical with Molly, Will, and Jon. I had such a blast! The musical, "Next to Normal", was phenomenal and it was just nice to spend time with friends doing something other than watching movies at home or going to Crocker Park... When we got there we were bombarded by ushers trying to take pictures sponsored by KeyBank, and so we gave in. However they failed to give us time to organize ourselves, so we ended up with a picture where Molly looks like she doesn't want to be there, Will kinda just looks like he's thinking "chill like a turtle, chill like a turtle, chill like a turtle", I look like a normal happy person, and Jon managed to photobomb our own pic! I LOVE IT! I think it's hilarious, especially since it's got a "Next to Normal" banner underneath.

After the musical we sat in molly's car eating cold Chuck E. Cheese pizza while we waited for traffic to slow down so we could get out. It was delicious. Then we went back to her place, played a few games a pool, and then took the boys home. I spent the night at her place, so we played a few games of Just Dance 2 and Mario Carts. All in all it was a great night =]

Got up at 630 or something like that and molly took me home. It was so foggy I was sure the zombie apocalypse was about to occur, but it didn't. So I went back to bed at home. At some point my I thought someone was breaking into the house, so I did the logical thing and armed myself for a fight to the death with a nail file, ventured downstairs quietly, peeked around corners, and discovered it was just my sister... I gotta admit, I was somewhat disappointed. But hey, at least I've still got a usable nail file! =D

I'm off to cardio and then having a private (I think?) Kung-Fu lesson with Brad and I might get some open studio time in, soooo, ttyl! <3
~Rocky

P.S.
Pageant stuff is going well =] Got my papers all filled out, gonna send them in next week and go for sponsor visits soon.

Sooooo here's some news; I'm an official contestant in the Miss Ohio Teen Pageant this year. AHH! The above pictures was my application picture. Just was browsin' the interwebs one day and was like "hey, lookie at that" and decided oh a whim "alright, let's submit an application and see what happens" just kinda cause i felt like it, and BAM! I'm in. Sooo now I get to write sponsor letters, dye my hair back to normal (I'm sad about that =[ I JUST got it green again!), fill out tons of paper work, and get my wardrobe.

I'm not too concerned about my wardrobe right now since it's not even until October, I just wanna get the registration and funds raised for this thing first cause i have plenty of time for shopping =D All I know is it'll be fun, and I'm making sure Monica is with me when we shop!

Speaking of Monica; I LOVE HER! Met her on wednesday (finally!) and it was really great =] We opened the door and started SCREAMING at the same pitch for the exact same amount of time xD We're always on the same page and say the same thing at the same time. If ever I was meant to have a best friend, it's her. Mike has done well, I'm quite proud of him =]

I had a private lesson today for ballet =D I LOVE when that happens! I feel like it's so much more productive cause certain people -cough- aren't talking the whole friggin' class wasting my time. And Jo said three nice things;

1) "I wouldn't mind being stuck in a room with you for a few hours... I like you"

2) "Well yay, you get a private lesson. I like giving private lessons to good students like you"

3) "next year, you're going to be amazing! You're just gonna be really great because you're working hard and progressing quickly."

I was sooo happy to hear those! I know she likes me and that is really important to me since she's my teacher and I see her 6 days a week and spend hours on end with her. I think someday we're going to get along REALLY well, and have a GREAT understanding of each other. =]

That's that for now, I suppose...
~Rocky

“Some are destined to succeed, some are determined to succeed.”

“Permanence, perseverance and persistence in spite of all obstacles, discouragement, and impossibilities: It is this, that in all things distinguishes the strong soul from the weak”   

"Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough."   

“The difference between the impossible and the possible lies in a man's determination.”

"Oh, mister, wait until you see what I'm gonna be"

"taking no chances means wasting your dreams."

“Dreams and dedication are a powerful combination.”

“In order to excel, you must be completely dedicated to your chosen sport. You must also be prepared to work hard and be willing to accept destructive criticism. Without 100% dedication, you won't be able to do this.”

“Success for an athlete follows many years of hard work and dedication."

"I need to be dazzling, I want to be Rainbow High"

“The most essential factor is persistence - the determination never to allow your energy or enthusiasm to be dampened by the discouragement that must inevitably come.”

“God is with those who persevere”

"Let me tell you the secret that has led me to my goal. My strength lies solely in my tenacity."

“I know the price of success: dedication, hard work, and an unremitting devotion to the things you want to see happen”

"An excuse is simply an obstacle you choose not to overcome."

 

"Champions are made from something they have deep inside them a desire, a dream, a vision. They have to have the skill and the will. But the will must be stronger than the skill."

What do you do when you feel you're trying you hardest to do your best, and your teachers only response is "Do better. I dont see any effort. It's like you're not even trying"? You try harder. It's a lesson i'm learning is that there's always a little more. More extension, more lift, more balance, more presence, more determination, more energy, more more more. For a long time I thought I was working hard, that I was really trying, but I'm learning that for the past 8 or 9 months I've barely been trying at all with dance. Just because I was sweating and getting tired I thought I was giving it everything I had. What I didn't realize was that I was just going through the motions. I was doing the steps, but I wasn't dancing them!

That's all changing starting now. I can be the best, but to do it I have to work harder than everyone else. If you want to get better at something, you practice it. If you want to get batter at it than someone else, you practice better and harder than they do. If you want to get stronger, you do things that make you stronger. When I've been dancing for an hour, and stretching for half an hour, and it feels like I just cant go on, I have to remind myself that I want this more than anything. You tell your body what it can take, and that there's more to do, dont let it tell your your limit. Mind over body. The best isn't enough, because there's always more to give.

Taking the easy route makes you lazy. I wont be lazy. Dance is hard. It's hard to feel good about it, it's hard to look good about it. But that's what makes dancers athletes; they put the time and energy into training to be able to do what the average person can't. That is why it's so spectacular! that's why it's so full of awe! that's what keeps the audience captivated! Easy makes you lazy. Doing something hard, that's what makes you amazing.

You get out of something what you put into it. I want to be the best, as I've said, and I'm going to go at this with everything I've got. I'm giving this 200%, because I want to be better than everyone who's giving 100%. I will work twice as hard. I have twice the determination. I want this more than anyone, and I will do anything I have to to get it.  Practice makes perfect. So I'm going to practice. I'm done being lazy about dance! I'm done pretending to try and faking effort. I'm doing this thing full-out, because I love it. I will earn the right to call myself a dancer.
~Rocky

May I just say that it's very hard to feel professional, mature, and like anybody takes you seriously no matter how you dress when you're in court and have green hair? Note to self; if you plan on having colored hair, do NOT become a lawyer. Just saying, I felt like a goof. Dont get my wrong, I LOVE my hair, and I LOVE color, but there are just some times (on rare occasion) where I wish I hadn't done it. Oh well, I suppose that happens to everyone at some point or other.

Yesterday was a pretty great day =] I had a lovely morning with mi padre, and then he and I biked to and from the studio; a round-trip of 15 miles. The weather was perfect for it! Ya know, we used to not get along at all, but he's pretty much the best ever. And you're probably thinking this is being prompted by the fact that father's day is on Sunday, but it's not. I just love my dad. I mean, yeah, we step on each others toes alot, but I have a lot better understanding of him and what bugs him now, that I can be more aware of what's gonna make him tick and avoid it. You know, all those little annoying habits that everyone has? We've finally learned how to get past them and have a great relationship. That only took 17 years. But I love my daddy <3

As for now, I'm off to dance. Maybe I'll write later, maybe I wont, who knows?
Peace out ;]
~Rocky

Well, it's been a LONG productive fun day =] Worked out, cleaned the studio (a little), did chair crew, cleaned the house, and after that I spent the rest of the day at Dave's grad party. Mostly I tossed a frisbee around with Matt, Rob, Jon, Joe, Mike, Mike, Will, and a couple kids. An attempt at volley ball was made, but I failed miserably. No, i mean really, more than I usually do! ahha =]

Now I'm home. Sitting. Tired. Quite possibly going to bed soon. Basically I'm just really hoping we get to move soon though, cause some punks pulled down our lights outside because they thought it'd be funny. Morons. What kind of ignorant jerk do you have to be to just go up on a strangers porch and pull their lights down? I just wanna get out of here!

On a lighter note, I've been talking to Mikes girlfriend, Monica, alot, and I love her! I can't wait to meet this girl! She's such a doll! I'm quite proud of my adopted/unrelated brother, cause she's a keeper =]

Ok, I think I'm done for the night. I'm really tired and it's been a long day, plus I've got another long day tomorrow. w00t. I dont think I'll be home from about 10 til sometime at night. w00t. I already said that, didn't I? ok, well, that's that! =] Night!
~Rocky

Soooo it's early in the morning (not really so early, but it feels like it), and I have to go babysit, and all I want to do is sleep. I probably shouldn't have stayed up till almost 2am skyping last night, but it was much needed to try and heal a relationship. Sooo yeah, this is me, 8:45am on a Thursday, no makeup, fresh outta the shower, hair not even brushed.

Since I'm leaving soon and clearly am not ready I probably shouldn't be blogging right now, but I've been told that I'm "slacking off" and certainly dont want to disappoint =P Life just kinda didn't get any simpler like I hoped/expected after the recital, and I think it may have gotten even busier actually.

Last night I went to some "rave" at this kid I dont know's house. It was reallllly lame at first and I just wanted to leave, but around like 9ish or something it got better. I mean, sure, it was a bunch of teenagers grinding like animals in some dudes small, crowded basement with strobe lights, black lights, and a DJ, and that was really gross and annoying and all, but it got fun later when some people I actually knew showed up haha =] I guess even boring situations you dont want to be in with a bunch of strangers can turn out fun in ways you didn't expect.

I got two new leotards! yay! what kind of lame person am I to be so excited about this? A dancer! Nobody else (ok, maybe gymnasts) would understand the excitement that comes with getting a new leo or dance shorts or other accessory. But it's so fun!

Tonight I get to teach breakdancing for two hours. yay? no. I dont really want to, i kinda prefer taking the class, and I just want to SLEEP after I babysit. But nope, I have to go teach little girls how to do ballet/tap/tumbling, and then teach two breakdancing classes with Molly. It should be fine, I'm just not feeling up to it so much today haha.

The weekend looks promising though! Going to a Chris Allen concert on friday with Lizzie, Mike, and God knows who else, then going to the drive in with Kate, Eric, Jon, and possibly Maureen. It should be really fun =] Saturday I've got a grad party I'm looking forward to (friends and food, what could get better than that? =] ) and Sunday is just a regular day with church, frisbee, hanging out with Jon most likely, then family night. w00t. however, sleep is still not on the radar...

Alright, I'm off; I've got about 10 minutes to make myself presentable for the day. peace out.
~Rocky

YAY! I got my new charger todayyy! It's been a bummer not having blogging as an option these past several days. Well, not much has happened. Kate and Eric are dating, I've taught a few classes all by my onesie and rocked it, got back to frisbee, spent all weekend with Jon, went to a grad party (congrats, class of '11!) got my job secured for the summer and the other one this fall, got my schedule for dance this summer, and I think that's about it. Oh, and I also attained about 25 mosquito bites. Yay. (I'm somewhat unenthusiastic about that last bit).

All in all life is going pretty great =] we had the house inspection today, and it didn't quite pass but we're praying and hoping things still work out. I'm so ready to move!

I really need to take a picture... oh, yeah, btw, my hair is green now... just in case y'all didn't know ;] andddd blogger isn't letting me add photos right now. lovely. alright well at a later date I'll add a picture or something, but this is irritating me.

I feel boring right now. Like this post is boring. oh well, maybe it's just one of those days...
~Rocky

P.S.
this probably should go without saying, but dont go to a rib burn off if you're a vegetarian. Not much to eat, and the scent is toxic. Yeahhh I didn't think that one through too well =P But hey, had a good time with my friends ahha!

Uhmmm yeah, real quick post just to let you know I'm going on hiatus until Tuesday (hopefully sooner) because my computer will be out of commission until then =[ It's bumming me out since I didn't even get to post yesterday and I've not been keeping up with pictures or anything, and now when I can finally try and get back to pictures and consistant updates it's like BAM! NOPE! Not gonna happen =[ so that's that. Sorry! <3
Also, I'm at over 200 page hits! w00t! Thanks all! <3
~Rocky

Welll no picture today. I'm just so busy that I dont have an extra 15 minutes to take a good, creative picture, edit it, upload, and write a blog with it. SOOO I'm just blogging with pictures as often as I can.

Well I got reconnected to my best friend from ODT, Barbara, and it's awesome! First my teacher, Miss Sarah, now my friend, Barbara! =] It's really cool to get in touch with old memories =] ODT was a horrible experience, with horrible people, yet some good still came out of it =]

I'm being hailed as the "Star of the show" for the recital, and my teacher was told by professionals that I have a LOT of potential! I feel so special after everything people have said =] Also, I'm organizing and choreographing a flash-mob to advertise ADMA and the Elite group. I'm SO excited to do ADMA Elite! Starting pointe in less than 2 weeks =] Lets do a list of things I"m excited for;

1. ADMA elite
2. Pointe, jazz, and tap
3. moving! 
4. family reunion
5. working at Camp Ideas
6. flash mob
7. SUMMER! 
8. 4th of July (Chandler's coming home again!) 
9. Chandler to come home for good
10. a haircut
11. to start playing frisbee again!

 Yup, lots to look forward to! As for now I'm going to look forward to sleeping for the next 8 hours. goodnight.
~Rocky

 

Happy memorial day! Started out with a nice family breakfast, a long bike ride including possums in the garbage, muddy rivers, creepy Puerto Ricans, and naps under trees. Went home and called up Jon (pictured) to come hang out, and that was fun =] we chilled in the sun for a while with my family, then went inside and watched "monty python; the quest for the holy grail". I love that movie! All in all it's been a pretty relaxing enjoyable day =] However my computer charger has suddenly decided to not work, so that's annoying me. it's rigged with tape to get it to charge at all. w00h00. 

I'm really looking forward to dance tomorrow, now that we dont have to practice for the recital anymore. At the same time it's going to be so weird not to hear "go to where you start your dance" and to be doing barre, body alignment, développes, tendus, plies, battements, and other typical class room stuff. And cardio is going to be a killer, considering I didn't stick to my diet at all this week, and didn't do cardio because I didn't want to end up sore before I had to perform in 5 numbers. I've got a LOT of work ahead of me. Bring it on! =D 

As for now I'm going to sleep. I'm SOOO tired that I fell asleep watching said movie, and Jon was teasing me...

~Rocky

I love Gracie <3

My splits are so much better! 

This girl here is a future me. I adore her, and she's going to be a star! watch out dancers! Tessa is coming!

Grandmum <3 

Kate <3

Well, I think I haven't had a *real* post in what, 2, 3 days? Sorry about that! Been very busy. Here's a rundown of my weekend;

Me and mis padres <3

   Friday;  Got up, did school did my makeup, did my hair (3ish hours to curl. woohoo), got in the car and went to ALHS for dress rehearsal around 3ish and didn't get out until 10 or 11, and then went out with the Savelli's, Molly, Mrs. King, Liz, and the tech guys. Then I went home and slept. (Great, busy, productive, dramatic, long day)
   Saturday; Got up around 730, tried to get the hot tub working (failed), showered, did my makeup, did my hair, went shopping, then was at ALHS by 12. Had the recital (which was WONDERFUL), went shopping again, hung out with friends at home, then went out to Crocker park and had Kate spend the night. All the same adjectives used to describe Friday apply.
   Today (sunday); got up, went to church, did chairs, came home to change, went to chandlers, came home, and here I am. wooohooo!

Basically it's been a GREAT weekend, although I haven't been online for days. I think you understand my inability to blog ahha.
Anyways, the recital is finally done. I dont think I fully comprehend this yet, or how strange it will be to have an actual dance class again. I love performing! if I could be on stage every day, I absolutely would <3 Didn't get alot of pictures, but the ones I got are really great =] It went smoothly, everyone did a great job, and it was so much fun! I cannot wait to do it next year, and for the performance group that we're starting =] Also, on a dance related note, I've decided to organize a flash-mob to do some stuff in the area in July, if I can. =]

Grandmum is in town, and I'm really enjoying having her here =] I am so sleep deprived I can't even think right now ahha! It's almost dinner time I think, but all I want is a nap. I think I'll do that until dinner. Peace out world! <3
~Rocky

Ok, so again, no picture because I've just been way too busy to take one, but I swear there'll be one tomorrow! Dress rehearsals are going to KILL since I'll be there from 3-10 and them I'm going out with the Savelli's till God knows when. Then I get to get up in the morning and do it all over again from 12:30-4:00 on Satuday. woohoo! I know I sound sarcastic, but I'm sincerely excited and enthusiastic =]

Tomorrow Grandmom is coming into town, and I'm so happy! I adore her above everyone else on the face of the earth. If I could choose only one person to survive and everyone else die, I would def. pick her. Ok, actually, idk who I'd pick, but she's DEFINITELY in the running ;P But that's beside the point! The point is I'm glad she's coming to visit and can be at my recital cause it is a huge deal to me =]

We got the house! I'm so happy! We'll be moving in July sometime, and I just can't wait! =D I started screaming like a maniac I was so excited haha! It's gonna be fantastic! =]

Ok, that's really about it. I guess I got in a mini-fight with a friend tonight, but it should be ok. It's more like little things irritated me and I just decided to like take some space until i calm down. It's really my fault I suppose for not speaking my mind and opinion more... oh well... I just kinda get like that. I dont say anything when little things bug me (I dont wanna be petty!) and then it just builds up until I ust have to ignore/avoid someone for like a week or something and then I'm over it all... it's a character flaw I'm trying to work on, but it's not going so well it seems =/

Guess that's it for tonight. Sorry I"m neglecting pictures! I'll get back to that gig starting tomorrow =]
~Rocky

Uhm, yeah, so today has been a bad day I guess. Dont really feel like getting into details, but I'm exhausted and just void of sanity at the moment. But hey, soon as I got to the studio things started looking up. I'm gonna own at that darn recital on Saturday, and I'm SO ready to be done with it! My knee is feeling a bit better, but not perfect yet. I got my right split, which has NEVER happened before, so yay! I dont think Miss Liz hates me like she used to, so that's really good. we get along well now and have a better understanding I think. Got all my shopping done for the recital so I think i'm pretty much set for it. I'm really tired and dont really feel like writing this blog right now, so this is the best you're getting outta me tonight. anddddd I didn't get to take a picture so you just gonna have to deal with a picture that showcases my mandatory, uniform lipstick, and how I feel about it.

Today has been... a day... not altogether good, not altogether bad, so it kinda just evens out to being a day. It started out great cause I woke up energetic for the first time in a long time, my sister gave me a frappuccino from Starbucks, it was bright and sunny, got to talk to the ever-lovely Lizzie (<3), and that was that.

It started going down-hill in cardio class. My knee has started acting up again, and I can't even move it right now it hurts so bad. I was doing one-footed jumps on the trampoline which proceeded to fold in on me and break, and I fell flat on the ground. I asked my instructor, Brad, if I could possibly get out of teaching on thursday to see the friend who I mentioned is only home for the week, and he said it would be stupid of me to ask Jo, even though I explained the situation.

After that minor-rejection of my request, I signed up for my summer classes, and fought tears as I got back to work cleaning. I was not successful for very long before I found myself locked in the bathroom crying for at least 10 minutes. For those of you who know me, it takes a *LOT* to make me cry, and something has to matter more than you could imagine. Well there I was. I finally stopped, went back to vacuum the office, and burst out crying again in front of Brad when he asked what was wrong.

I then went home and got online. So you're now caught up on my day. It's had it's bads and goods but not enough of either to classify "how my day was". The picture I took for today is an awful picture, considering my knee and hand are cut out, but in all fairness I had my crappy camera on "timer" setting, and was using boxes and books and a cell-phone chair as a tripod in my crowded messy attic. I think it turned out not bad considering the circumstances. This is my outfit for breakdancing on saturday. woohoo. I guess that's it for today.
~Rocky

Yeah, I'm posting twice in one day, but I felt it needed to be done. I'm gonna be daring today. Tonight I was talking with a friend who is VERY important to me, and he was saying how he didn't feel good enough, and insecure. I started naming some of my insecurities and things I'm self-conscious about in an attempt to show him he's not the only one, and in under 2 minutes I'd listed over 20 things. So now I'm going to be bold, and I'm going to trust you (whoever you are) with my top 6 insecurities. I'm just like everyone else, I'm flawed, I'm imperfect, I'm insecure, I'm self-conscious, I'm a normal teenage girl. So here we go;

  1) I hate my legs. I think they're awful. This never bugged me until I started dancing again and my teacher always says how bent and deformed they are, and now I feel like everyone's going to look at my legs and think "what a freak".
  2) I am very embarrassed by how long my toes are and wide my feet are, mostly cause my mom exclaims at least three times a year "Oh my gosh, Rocky! Your toes are so long! look at those nasty things! hahahaha!"
   3) I think I annoy everyone. I think i'm too loud and like everyone thinks i'm fake because of my enthusiasm and level of energy and hyperness.
  4) I hate my fingernails because I can't keep them long, especially my left middle finger because the nail doesn't grow right cause i slammed it in a door when I was little.
  5)  I think my ears are too big because my dad always teased me that they are when I was little, so now I feel like they are even though I know they're really fine... I think?
  6) I have HORRIBLE handwriting which I find myself always apologizing to people for when I write anything and they see

Have at it, world! I'm not brave all the time, I dont think I'm perfect, and I see my flaws at least as much as everyone else does, probably more. But I'm telling you now, I'm not afraid of them. Those imperfections are part of what give me the drive and determination I have in life. I'm not controlled by my natural instincts; to hide in a shell until that one day when I magically pop out and am suddenly confident. No, that time will never come. There will always be something you wish you could change, or that you wish were different, and I'm not going to let that have any effect on my life. I'm letting you know I'm not scared of what the world thinks of me, and when I need that extra boost I just remember that everyone else is also feeling similarly about some characteristic of theirs.

This is why I'm not shy. I have no fear. My value is not in how I'm viewed or 'how I feel'. My value is in God, my 'flaws' make me who I am, and from here on out I'm not only going to live with them, I'm going to embrace them.

Quotes related to this topic;

How much will you indulge in your flaws? What are your flaws? Are they flaws?
    ~ "Girl, interrupted" 
Take my darkest fears and play them Like a lullaby
    ~ Evanescence, "All that I'm living for"
'Cause there's a stronger woman in me
    ~Jewel, "Stronger Woman" (didn't see that title coming, did you? =P )
Trying to be everything can make you lose your mind
    ~ Lady Antebellum "American Honey"
taking no chances means wasting your dreams.
    ~Ellen Hopkins, "Crank"
Am I really the way I percieve myself, or is the person others see the truth of me?
    ~Ellen Hopkins, "Tricks"
Have you ever seen me defeated? Don't you forget what I've been through and yet I'm still standing
    ~"Evita" 


~Rocky

P.S.
Even as I'm writing this, I bit my nails. Yeah, another insecurity that feeds into #4. Also, I highly recommend the song "Mirror" by Barlow Girl.